The Amazing And Incredible Jesus Lamp
Behold the majesty and glory that is the Jesus lamp from Ebay seller Knuddelholz.
To quote the seller, “The emotional Artauction that there was ever on Earth.”
However, beware the legal ramifications of bidding on this $1,563,492.00 holy relic of Jesus-ness.
“Important information, a tender is binding, should submit for the fun you a tender, will have legal consequences.”
I knew a tender was binding, but I just thought my underwear was too tight. Maybe this really is the ultimate Jesus lamp. How did he know?
Your word is my foot light
and a light on my way.
The seller clearly knows his Bible. I’ll take his word for it since all I know about the Bible is that Charlton Heston is God. Wait. Wasn’t he Moses? He was all preachy, I know that.
This seller is a wealth of information and even I am learning. I quote:
“Jesus was beaten on wood and showing off the wood.” Since when is masturbation a crime? I thought he died for our sins, but it turns out he really liked to touch the holy pee pee. So much that he was showing off about it.
Then it gets all dramatic in bold:
“The ,,Jesuslamp ” the sacred Wood”
His punctuation, not mine.
And that ain’t the half of it. You can’t make this stuff up. This guy loves Jesus despite the beating of his own holy wood and subsequent showing off of the wood.
You should go check out the rest of the crazy stuff he says. No translator is this bad, therefore I can only conclude that Jesus was working through him for our amusement. Thank you Jesus.