Succulent Coffin Planter

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Succulent Coffin Planter
The Succulent Coffin Planter ensures that your succulents Rest In Peace. This Gothic planter proves that succulents don’t suck. How does your Goth garden grow? Pretty damn creepily thanks to accessories like this. It is especially good if you don’t have a green thumb and everything that you plant dies. Now you will be prepared for every plant funeral. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today….

Give it your best and if you have to, lay it to rest. That’s my gardening style. Of course, I have 5 acres of dirt and one dead Chia Pet. Cha cha cha chia. My thumb is black, not green.

Custom Furby Dolls – A Nightmare Evolved

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Custom Furby Dolls - A Nightmare Evolved
Don’t be fooled by Etsy shop PlushieCouture‘s cute name. Within their shop, you will find nightmares of the Furby variety. Like these Custom Furby Dolls. These are pure nightmare fuel. I thought run-of-the-mill(mouth) Furby’s were scary, but they are nothing compared to these hell-spawned creatures. Things get so much scarier when you put a Furby’s face on another body. Check out the shop and never sleep again if you have this toy in the house.

They have robot versions, worms, birds, Woody from Toy Story, He-Man, cats, gorillas, and more. All with that Furby face that instills fear into the hearts of man. I’m actually cowering in a corner and crying as I write this. I can’t unsee it. So I share my terror with you. You’re welcome. We are all doomed.

Read more “Custom Furby Dolls – A Nightmare Evolved”

Nosferato Vampire Figurine

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Nosferato Vampire Figurine
Damn son. This Nosferato Vampire Figurine needs to be on my castle shelf now! He’s just waking up from a long nap, wiping the cobwebs off his head, shaking that stake out of his chest, and stretching his wings. He’s looking a little gaunt. Get this dude some blood stat!

Nosferatu
Goes by Ross Feratu

Sleeping in da day
Partying at night

If you tussle with this mother***ker
You know he gonna bite!

Word!

Bizarre Fingercrab Sculpture

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Bizarre Fingercrab Sculpture
Check out this Bizarre Fingercrab Sculpture. It’s not only giving you the finger but all five of ’em. Except they’re all scaly and gross. What do you expect from fingers that live in a shell. Is this a Hermit Crab? More like a Dermit Crab, cuz it looks like it has dermatitis. It’s well-manicured, I’ll give it that. Then I’ll give it a high five and that shell will snatch my hand, and replace it with this scaly nightmare.

It could be worse. It could be a Hermit crab with a peen or five hanging out the shell. Hell no. If I saw that, I’d have to smash it with a ball-peen hammer. Cuz that’s the only way to smash a Hermit-Peen horror.

Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse
I can’t wait to use this Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse to scare the hell out of every cashier in my path. Maybe they’ll stop asking me to pay. Oh, I think I have 15 cents here, let me look. Why don’t you dig around in there for me- Hahaha you should have seen your face. Why are you clutching your left arm and gasping for breath? What’s that? What are you trying to say? This is no time for charades! Hmmm. Rhymes with… Heart? Stabbing… Stabbing pain? Heart attack? Oh shite!