Why do my pens and pencils always disappear? Oh yeah, Cthulhu is taking them. Probably writing his memoirs in some other dimension. Nah, I’m just kidding. Cthulhu isn’t a kleptomaniac. Just a maniac. I keep my pens in this awesome Cthulhu Pen Cup, so he doesn’t have to steal them. Because, guess what? I lied. He is a Klepto. He’s that friend you can’t get to stop hanging out with you, no matter how you try to shake him.
I’ll be grocery shopping and suddenly a portal opens as like 5 tentacles snag up all of the potato chips. Then the manager is looking in that shoplifter mirror and he’s all like, “Are you gonna pay for that?” And while he’s distracted a portal opens up behind him and tentacles steal like a years worth of condoms. A years worth for Hugh Hefner. I was gonna say magic johnson, but I couldn’t stop laughing, cuz “Magic Johnson”. Sounds funny, like a wiener that was tapped with a wand by a fairy godmother. Man, I hope that was a fairy godmother and not just some guy who also had to use the can at the Sunoco. Not that it happened. Just saying.
