jimmyFor $160,000.00 you can buy Jimmy. A Spiritual friend. Well, I saved up my money and went for it. What the hell. No one else is playing D and D with me and discussing the finer points of Cheetos versus generic orange GMO sticks.

It went fine at first. I payed my money and just like in the picture, Jimmy swaggers into my house from some hyperspace orb streaming plain of existence. After he came through, he remained a creepy shadow. Dude is a jerk. Thought it was funny to stand over my bed at night and wake me up. Whatever. He just laughs in that trippy alien voice.

Came home from work one day and I catch him shadow-banging a half pound of ground beef. Dude claims it’s how he gets nutrients. Yeah? I guess that explains the hat made out of freaking sausage he wore for like a week straight, all sculpted on his head. I’m guessing he was courting the damn thing, because after about a week, he suddenly rips the thing off his head while we’re watching Netflix and stuffs it between the couch cushions, gets busy with it, has a smoke and wants me to clean it up.

I finally get Jimmy to eat like a human and guess what? They get diarrhea when they eat like that. So after coming home to “turd minefield”, last conflict of the great shadow war that is my life, I found some gypsies to work some voodoo and I sent Jimmy back where he came from, propelled by a swift kick in his shadow-ass. F U Jimmy.