Tag: cool story bro

Haunted English Bible

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Haunted English Bible
Is this Haunted English Bible really haunted? Put your hand on the bible and swear it! The seller of this bible claims that among other incidents, “The last time she was attacked, she was pulled by her hair and dragged down the stairs getting bruises all over her body,”

Okay so it sounds like they are dealing with the ghost of a horny caveman. The pulling by the hair is a dead giveaway. He was trying to pull her into his ghost cave and do some prehistoric porkin’. Some Neanderthal nasty. Some good old fashioned Flintstones f***ing! Naturally he would show her his cave paintings after. That’s only gentlemanly. How his spirit got attached to an English bible, I have no idea. Anyway, haunting solved!
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Mutant Mask From The Year 19807

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Mutant Mask From The Year 19807
So this is a Mutant Mask From The Year 19807. The future is messed up ya’ll. When years become like zip codes, you know you are in the future. How else can you tell? Because your head looks like this mask. All mutated and freaky. Here is what the seller has to say:

This is A Mutant Mask from The Year 19807 that the Pixelated People in Space Used to fight The Neon Spiders of Future Space 19807!

Fair enough.

You can wear this but you will be silly and awkward. You can’t see out of it well and it’s floppy and wont fit that well. This is designed to make The Future Pixelated People feel Silly and use their Silly Powers to Fight Those Silly Neon Spiders!

Mission accomplished. I just photoshopped this thing on my head to see how it would look. Then I got attacked by a spider. I squished it. I felt my silly powers ignite, so I tapped danced over it’s dead body and did the moonwalk, spreading it’s guts all over. Shizz works!
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Rare 1966 Topps Batman Card Showing Batman On The Toilet

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batman in the bathroom
Some guy is selling what he claims is a 1966 Topps trading card of Batman on the Bat-toilet, made by Topps employees who were bored one day. Cool story bro. I’m calling BS, because I get bored plenty and I have never once drawn Batman on the toilet. The Penguin? Sure. I even drew a picture of The Joker using a urinal in Grand central station once, but- No, wait. I’m mixing up reality with recreational drug use Wednesdays again. That was just something I saw, not something I drew.

And before you ask, the answer is yes. His little Joker had white make-up on it too. I know because I was using the urinal next to him and I peeked. It’s the friggin’ Joker, you would’ve looked too! Don’t judge.

Oh hey! Just realized it’s Wednesday. Goodbye cruel world. Hello pharmaceutical and whiskey induced Virtual Reality.

Banana Umbrella

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banana umbrella
This banana umbrella is looking ripe and ready to protect you from a hard rain. Just peel it to deploy your umbrella and go bananas. Bananas are an excellent source of potassium. You know what else is an excellent source of potassium? Mushrooms.

Although I wouldn’t pick them from the woods. It’s really hard to get your daily dose of potassium when you are being chased by elves with melty faces and riding praying mantis bikes. I think I got my potassium that day, but only after I saw my friend turn into the demon king of drippy ear wax and get eaten by a Venus Fly trap that was two pizzas slammed together. After that I woke up in the microwave inside of a giant hot pocket. Turns out the hot pocket was my sleeping bag and the microwave was the sun, burning my pale nerd skin.
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Black Widow Spider Costume AKA “The Maneater”: Watch Out Boy She’ll Chew You Up

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Black Widow Spider CostumeThis Black Widow costume looks nothing like the spiders I’ve seen crawling around my baseboards. Those aren’t sexy like this one. I usually just stand on my bed shrieking while I call my neighbor to come deal with it. And by “deal with it”, I mean she comes over and slaps me in the face, telling me to man up and grow a pair, because “I’m not your f***ing mommy, so stop calling me!”.

This is followed by a lengthy interrogation about how I got her phone number and why are there pieces of mail with her name on them in my house? Just getting to know my neighbors is all. Jeez. All the while, that scary and creepy 8-legged thing is still on the floor somewhere. By the time I get tazed, it doesn’t even matter, because I wake up a day later. That’s my life.

Click through for more images. Including a shot from the back. Nice egg-sack.
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