Coffee. The world’s tastiest laxative. At least it keeps you awake. Probably because you have to be awake to poop. Well, that’s not strictly true. C’mon, we’ve all pooped the bed at least once or twice. Three times in my case, but that’s only because I like a good cup of Joe before bed. It gets me just wired enough that my dreams are all like “WTF Am I on acid?” Of course the down side is that when your eyelids close, your sphincter opens. Needless to say, the washing machine gets clogged and then the repair guy is like, “Who the f**k takes a dump in their washing machine. I’m obligated by law to report this to my superiors.”

So of course, I’m not allowed to do laundry within a 100 mile radius now. Man, I’m really flying high on a double mocha right now. Can you tell? Oh and this cool mug is here.