I wish I had one of these Wine Bottle Life Preserver Covers for that cruise I took last summer. And by cruise I mean single fat white dude floating down a river in an inner tube, hugging a bag of Doritos and a bottle of wine.

The water got pretty rough and upended my bag of chips and I lost that bottle of wine as I helplessly floated away. I shouted, “Man overboard! I mean Booze overboard!” but there was nothing I could do but cry and mourn as the water carried me away. So needless. Such a senseless loss. Next time I’ll be prepared. Might even have pants on too. But not likely.