*Removes “Gone Squachin'” sign* I’m back and you’ll be happy to know that I’ve bagged a Bigfoot. It took a few drinks and a story about how I was in the CIA, but she eventually came around. The bag was strictly for my protection, because her feet weren’t the only things about her that were big and ugly. Oh, I also caught a Sasquatch.
Turns out all you need is the “In Search Of” theme music mixed with the “X-Files” theme music and a poster of a half naked Dana Scully nailed to a tree. Oh and this Bigfoot Research Kit helps too. Just makes you all official.
Well, I’m off to teach it sign language and how to get snacks from the convenience store. They won’t even notice the difference from when this hairy ape goes in and fills a cart with slim jims and doritos. They’ll probably ask if I got a haircut.