Demon hunting is hard. But it’s much easier when you can get ’em in front of the dartboard. This Demon Hit By Dart Magnet wins you the game every time. Hitting the bullseye doesn’t mean crap unless you impale an evil creature on the way there. I’m not sure how many points that is worth though. Probably depends on how evil it is and what level of hell it’s from. The trick is to get them to stay still while you lob darts at their evil asses. I guess you have to glue them in place or tie them up. Maybe have a priest say a few words to hold them in place. You have to give it to the creator of this magnet. It looks awesome. Creepy as hell, but cool too. That’s some great execution! Get it? If this evil creature enjoyed beer it would be an impaled ale. Know what I’m sayin’? I wonder if demonic darts will ever catch on in the finest bars and pubs. And what would you do with those little bodies afterward? Somebody should play some darts with this demonic doll. I’m out. Gotta go play some darts myself. I have several targets.
Author: Artemis Winterford
Canned Mermaids – Sardine Dames
Who wants a tin of canned mermaids? Looks pretty crowded in there. I bet these dames are tasty though. Very salty probably. I like the old-timey hair. That’s how you know they’ve been in there for a while. Well, that and the smell. Okay, close that up! Oh crap, you can’t close the tin once it’s opened. It smells like the ocean farted and made every whale barf. Open a window and grab my gas mask. Look at them! A chorus line of ca-ca fouling my space!
At first, I thought these Canned Mermaids were canned, as in fired. But then I wondered why you never see any mermaid maids. Then I fell asleep and spilled my whiskey. Thought I peed myself, but nope. Then squeezed the crotch area on my pants and recycled my drink, cuz I love the Earth. So it’s been a full day.
Do the can can can! Do the can can can!
Stained Glass Ravens For Your Gothic Garden
Stained Glass Ravens. I love that phrase. I can’t stop saying it. It’s fun. Just rolls off the tongue. Not sure what they’re stained with, but they look amazing. Perfect for your gothic home or garden. If I could talk to these birds, I would say stuff like, “Your ass is glass!” and “Nevermore!” and “What are you raven about?” But I can’t. Not until I buy a set. I just spent all of my money on crows. Hey, I needed something to crow about.
Anyone crowing about ravens? Or ravening about crows? Hey, I just met you. This might be crazy. Here’s my number, so CAW me maybe… I know, that’s terrible. Feel free to caw me out. Seriously though, these Stained Glass Ravens look all kinds of cool. Yes, I restrained myself from saying caw again. I may be crazy but I do have self-restraint and I’m also very talon-ted. What? What did I say? Anyway, they look awesome. I’m going to see if they attract more ravens to my house.
Slightly off topic, why did they never call kids who attended raves ravens? Seems like a no-brainer. Which is probably why I thought of it. I have no brain.
Grim Reaper Scythe Choker Necklace – Why So Grim?
This Grim Reaper Scythe Choker Necklace won’t give you the power over who lives and who dies, but it will get you noticed. (Hopefully not by the reaper himself. You don’t want to be noticed by him.) And also make people keep their distance from you. It’s the Grim Reaper‘s weapon of choice right there on your chest as a cool and creepy accessory. Why is he so grim anyway? Seems like a sweet job. Kind of a breeze. Some people are just grumpy and never happy.
You have a list of names and you use that list to shuffle folks off of this mortal coil while holding your Grim Reaper Scythe. Some people are never happy. I guess there’s no room for promotion though. Hey, I’m in the bidness and I just got promoted. And I’m aiming to take his job. I’ll be the happy reap- Wait! Who shouted “bum reaper”? No respect! Now you are on my list. You are the first one. Congratulations. I hope you like a scythe where the sun don’t shine. Anyone else? Huh? Does anyone else have anything to say? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Man I really hate this job already.
Bat Wing Sunglasses For The Goth Goddess
Do you see the world through rose-colored glasses? Not me, I see bats. Probably cuz they’re always attacking my face. I guess I just have that kind of face. Or at least I used to before it was all eaten away. Anyway, check out these awesome Bat Wing Sunglasses. Batgirl would definitely wear these. They give your face some serious attitude. Or should I say bat-titude? Especially when you make those pouty lips like this cute chica is doing. Yes, it makes me want you. Don’t ever change my dear and don’t ever change your style. I’m wearing these on Baturday, the best day of the week. Of course, every day is Baturday when you wear these.
Baturday, in the park. I think it was the fourth of July… Get your face all goth, don’t be a sloth! These Bat Wing Sunglasses are the bats nads dude!