Author: Artemis Winterford

Nosferatu’s Hand Belt Buckle

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Nosferatu's Hand Belt Buckle
Nosferatu’s veiny and ring-fingered hand hovering over my junk? That doesn’t sound like a good time to me, but if you want a vampire’s hand to hover over your wooden stake, then this Nosferatu’s Hand Belt Buckle is for you. Nosferatu is a weird name. I used to have a friend named Josh Feratu, who liked to have a nosh feratu, but he was stinky and in need of a wash feratu. Oh my gosh feratu!

And this is why you don’t send an idiot to do a blogger’s job. Way too late for that. This idiot has been in charge the whole time. And this idiot doesn’t need some Vampire Nightstalker’s hand over his business to feel manly. My own hand will do just fine, thanks. Well, I didn’t mean it like that. Well, I didn’t, but now that I think about it… Could be fun.

Unhand my manhood Nosferatu! This Nosferatu’s Hand Belt Buckle is getting freaky with me. It does go with the Nosferatu jacket though. Anyway, I just rubbed my man junk in garlic so the joke’s on you belt buckle. And on that guy in the next urinal who nearly passed out when I unzipped my fly.

Bird Plague Doctor Mask – Just In Time

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Bird Plague Doctor Mask - Just In Time
Yeah, this is me giving you the bird. The Bird Plague Doctor Mask. Because we live in weird times. I like how it looks really filthy like it’s made from dead bone. Hey, maybe wash every now and then and then you won’t have plagues that you need a mask for. Just an idea. Call me crazy but a little bit of soap goes a long way my bird brotha. Somehow I don’t think people would appreciate it if you walked around your local town in this while everyone is sheltering in place. I’m social distancing myself from all bird people until this thing is over with. Heck, maybe I’ll wear this thing and shelter in nest. Making cawing noises as is appropriate for the end times. Where are you hauling me off too? I was cawing, nit coughing! Caw! Caw! Caw my lawyer! I don’t have the caw vid.

This Plague Doctor Doll is just as cool as the Bird Plague Doctor Mask above but cuter.

Enamel Cobweb Collar Points – Creepy Couture

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Enamel Cobweb Collar Points
Dust off your collars you sexy goth girls and make room for these Enamel Cobweb Collar Points. So sexy. So spider webby. So on point. You get the point I’m making here? Oh what a tangled web you weave. On your collar. This is the sharpest looking thing to ever exit a spider’s butt. Unless it ate glass or something. You never know. Spiders are a weird lot. Anyway… That is some creepy-couture right there. A great axe-cessory. A touch of Goth if you will. (Usually a touch of goth for me ends with me in a sleeper hold and told to mind my hands.) Perfect for you mavins of macabre and frightening fashionistas. These points are on point. In a very pointed way. The Pointer sisters would approve. I’ve pointed the way to fashion. Now all you have to do is collar up with these Cobweb Collar Points baby. And I just pointed you right to ’em like a pointer dog. He heh. These jokes never got old. (Dusts some mold off of that last joke while you aren’t looking.) These things make your collar look like an old dusty house. In a good way.

Get you some style Goth girls.

Creepy Valentines Day Cards – Coffin Cards

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Creepy Valentines Day Cards - Coffin Cards
These Valentines Day cards are coffin cards and are a great way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. The seller makes all kinds of gothic and creepy cards for all occasions. They all look amazing. This one says I’m Batty For You. That’s why this one is going out to all of our readers because it’s true. I’m also bratty for you. And fatty for you, since I ate the candy I was going to give you. Just open this chilling card, write your message inside and send it off to your Valentine. Your batty valentine. Preferably valentines day cards should be sent by bat. If you don’t have a bat, the mailman will have to do. Maybe glue some bat wings to his uniform when he turns to go.

People don’t send enough cards these days. Darn kids. All they want to do is smash on their tic tocs with some guy name Liga Johnson. I just don’t get it. What I do get is that these are some cool greeting cards. Or are they bleeting cards? Bats bleet right? That’s a word right? That’s a thing. I think. Well, it’s a thing now. Send one to someone you love today.

Alien Beer – It Will Abduct Your Senses, Probe Your Holes

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Alien Beer
If you ever wondered what those grey abducting space bastardos drink just before they swerve to a stop and activate their tractor beam, here it is: Alien Beer. Well, it’s non-alcoholic to us, but these little butt-probing weirdos get drunk on the stuff. Which explains that one encounter I had where it kept telling me how pretty I was. A 4-pack will cost you almost $400. I call that Alien inflation, which is also what I call it when I pump up that cute little alien doll I have hidden in the- Nevermind.