This Ouija Board Throw Blanket is cool and all, but every time I lay down and cover myself with it, people rub planchettes all over me. That part feels like a nice massage, until they start talking to spirits and the spirits start coming out from under the blanket and invading the room. Tickles like hell (not so bad in some areas) and now I have all these spirits flying around the room. Then I have to wave the blanket around the room and collect them all again like an effin Pokemon hunter. Get back in the blanket. Man this is tiring. I’m like a bullfighter over here. I just want to go to bed. Remind me to hide all of those planchettes. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t use a Ouija Board Throw Blanket to keep warm. I should probably check my Ouija Board Cutting Board too. I bet the kitchen is trashed. Why? Why do I collect these things? Hey, if I send a spirit board through this blanket and into the other realm, will the universe implode? That might be an interesting experience. If I can’t get them all back into this blanket we are all going to hell! You hear me?
Author: Artemis Winterford
E.L.F.s Balls – Evil Has Never Been So Round
E.L.F.s Balls. It’s not what it sounds like. Elf balls are usually frozen from the North Pole’s frigid temps and frequently need fondling by reindeer. That’s what I heard anyway on the elf nads subreddit. E.L.F stands for Evil Little F**kers. And they sure are. Just look at ’em. You can play catch with ’em, roll ’em around on the floor or just admire their ugly evil faces. You know, this may just be what elf testes look like. I have no idea myself. *hides my copy of elven monthly* Only Santa knows for sure. Shame on you Santa. I knew you were a weird dude.
They’re balls, they’re elves, you can throw them, rub them if they swell, toss them around and laugh at the name. They will help your elf esteem for sure. E.L.F.s Balls. Sure to be the latest phenomenon. Don’t be a hater. Instead embrace the elven love, much like Christmas Elf Love. All I’m saying is to give peace a chance. And give these weird-ass balls a chance. Which, coincidentally is what I said when I met my first wife. Long story short, she did. She gave them a chance, then kicked them to the curb.
Moth Man Plant Pot
This Moth Man Plant Pot is all kinds of awesome. F-ing awesome. Damn awesome. Even moth-some. Super duper triple nipple moth-some. (What?) Hey, welcome to my headspace. I know that some plants prefer to grow in the darkness and it doesn’t get any darker than growing out of Moth Man himself. Plus it makes this cryptid look super amazeballs with spiky hair. He’s gonna be a real hit with the ladies now. Mothman on the prowl yall. On the prowl and making ladies howl. He kinda looks like a Pokemon. And those eyes are hypnotizing me. Telling me to buy it and put a weird cactus in it so he looks extra cool and punk rock.
I should make my own cryptid super team to go along with this guy. Like Broth Man, who always has some tasty soup for ya. Then there’s David Lee Roth Man who is just super cool and rocking all the time. And Sloth Man who is just slow as hell and dumb too, but the other guys just put up with him. We all have that friend right? What a dumbass. Uh… It’s usually me. Oh man, I just realized that and now I’m sad.
Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Plant
Damn, this Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Plant is terrifying. You can’t just buy this at your local grocery store. Otherwise, it would be called Freddy Kroger. Get it? That would be a pretty cool store mascot actually. Nightmare on aisle 5 yall! And also clean up. Cuz there’s a lot of blood. He actually looks like he’s about to do a cool dance number. Anyway, this Freddy plant is terrifying. Whether you have a green thumb or not, you gonna have no thumb after you water it. Maybe no hand or arm. All I know is that I’m glad that these Freddy Krueger plants don’t grow in the wild. I would be killing them with fire if they did. You hear that freddy? I’m not afraid of you. It’s true, I’m not afraid. I’m terrified beyond belief. They would probably only grow on Elm streets anyway. He is after all, the Nightmare On Elm Street. And every other street. You know, normally I pee on my plants to water them, cuz I’m eco-conscious and lazy, but I ain’t getting my junk anywhere near this thing.
Also check out this animated soul pizza. Souls are his favorite topping. Man-chovies if you will
Gothic Storage Jars Put Bats In Your Belfry
These Gothic Storage Jars fill your kitchen with enough bats to drive you batty. Sugar, tea, and coffee storage jars never looked so good. I had no idea they made storage jars for this stuff. I can finally get rid of those mounds of sugar on my counter. I’ll have to sift out the ants first, but totally worth it. I can also get rid of that pile of flour in the cabinet. I usually get rid of it just by opening the cabinet, because it all falls out. These are going to look great in my kitchen. You can never have too many bats in the belfry after all. Go Goth or go home! Hey where ya going? You’re supposed to go goth and NOT go home when I say that. Oh you went goth AND are going home? Well, that’s rude. I was going to show you my cool batwing coffin necklace. Now you can forget it. And I’m not sharing these Gothic Storage Jars either. So there.