Tag: monster

Creature From The Black Lagoon Planter

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Creature From The Black Lagoon Planter

Who loves the Universal Monsters? Holds up my hand. I do! I do! Well, if you also love these monsters, you are gonna dig this Creature From The Black Lagoon Planter. I have to admit, this guy looks good with plants growing out of his head. These planters will add some old time monster style to your garden inside or outside. Hey, where do you find a black lagoon anyway? I’ve never seen one. I’ve seen The Blue Lagoon and Brooke Shields  is looking like a creature these days though. I’m gonna get a Creature From The Black Lagoon Planter and make my plants look cool.

Ladies, have a look at these Creature From The Black Lagoon Hairclips too.

Frankenstein Cookie Jar

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Frankenstein Cookie Jar
This Frankenstein Cookie Jar looks hungry. Hungry for cookies. And so do I? It makes me wish I had some chewy chocolate chip, peanut butter, Girl Scout cookies, or… Anything. Me need a cookie. This cookie vessel has created a monster. Me. Come to think of it, Doctor Frankenstein created this monster, then this monster created me. What monster will I create? Damn. That’s some deep philosophical stuff. I just want some damn sugar. In my mouth!

At least Frank has his bride to bake him some treats. I wish I had somebody to share these Frankenstein and Bride Sterling Rings. I’ll just have to get store-bought cookies. And put them in this Frankenstein Cookie Jar. I’m green with envy, Franky! Franky likes my jokes. I leave him in stitches. Just look at all of those stitches. The dude thinks I’m hilarious.

Claw Bookends / Bookmarks

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Claw Bookends
These Claw Bookends are crazy. Is there a lycanthrope in the library? I don’t know what it is, but it’s on the loose, and loves books. That makes it very dangerous indeed. I watched these claws all over my books for like 3 hours straight, and when the beast didn’t come out, I cut and filed those claws. Then put some ruby red nail polish on them. Now it’s not a threat. But I’m still not reading any books until it leaves. Who am I kidding, I never read them anyway. They just make me look smart. This is why I also have these Ravens On Skulls Bookends. I look look smart but me not smart. Anyway, these Claw Bookends are aweswome.

Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse

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Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse
I can’t wait to use this Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse to scare the hell out of every cashier in my path. Maybe they’ll stop asking me to pay. Oh, I think I have 15 cents here, let me look. Why don’t you dig around in there for me- Hahaha you should have seen your face. Why are you clutching your left arm and gasping for breath? What’s that? What are you trying to say? This is no time for charades! Hmmm. Rhymes with… Heart? Stabbing… Stabbing pain? Heart attack? Oh shite! Ummm, that’s not considered murder is it? Should I go on the run now? I just thought it was a joke I could sink my teeth into. I swear. I didn’t mean it.

Put your money where your teeth is. Are. I suck at English. This Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse is hungry. For coinage. Every time I pay and they give me change I’m gonna say “Fangs you very much” I’m just polite like that. I’m also going to be wearing my cool human teeth ring cuz you have to accessorize. I’ll be that weird dude who is obsessed with teeth and the kids will create urban legends around me.

E.L.F.s Balls – Evil Has Never Been So Round

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E.L.F.s Balls - Evil Has Never Been So Round
E.L.F.s Balls. It’s not what it sounds like. Elf balls are usually frozen from the North Pole’s frigid temps and frequently need fondling by reindeer. That’s what I heard anyway on the elf nads subreddit.  E.L.F stands for Evil Little F**kers. And they sure are. Just look at ’em. You can play catch with ’em, roll ’em around on the floor or just admire their ugly evil faces. You know, this may just be what elf testes look like. I have no idea myself. *hides my copy of elven monthly* Only Santa knows for sure. Shame on you Santa. I knew you were a weird dude.

They’re balls, they’re elves, you can throw them, rub them if they swell, toss them around and laugh at the name. They will help your elf esteem for sure. E.L.F.s Balls. Sure to be the latest phenomenon. Don’t be a hater. Instead embrace the elven love, much like Christmas Elf Love. All I’m saying is to give peace a chance. And give these weird-ass balls a chance. Which, coincidentally is what I said when I met my first wife. Long story short, she did. She gave them a chance, then kicked them to the curb.