Tag: bicycle

This $15,000. Monkey Bike Is Bananas

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monkey bicycle
A planet where apes have evolved from Schwinns? Get your handlebars out from under me you damn dirty ape! This crazy Simian Schwinn is bananas. It’s nuts!

The only thing the seller says in the ad is to not get it wet. I can only guess it turns into some weird monkey-gremlin mode of transport in the rain. I promise not to feed it after midnight either. Can I just take it for a spin? I’m digging the whole chimp head hood ornament thing and the banana where a reflector should be. I shall name it Dr. Zaius.
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Bicycle Banana Holder

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

banana holderAt last I can safely transport my banana from the store to my house without it getting a single bruise. This banana holder will solve that problem. You know how it is. You’re riding your bike, when you suddenly hit a huge bump, making your banana hurt so bad you wanna scream. Sometimes the ride is so bumpy that your banana just bounces around until it’s all soft and mushy.

This here banana holster will help. It gently embraces your banana, probably radiating a gentle warmth that is so nice and cozy that it only wants to be pulled out when it feels your bike finally reach the climax of that last hill as you gently coast home.

This holder makes for one happy banana. And happy bananas are healthy bananas.
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Tour de Lawn: Custom Built Lawn Mower Bike

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

custom lawn mower bikeThis $375 custom built lawn mowing bike has one of those old-style bladed push mowers attached in front, so you can zip around the neighborhood mowing lawns in a crazy short time. You’ll be making bank son! Rolling in them Benjamins. Choppin’ the grass and gettin’ dat ass. Rollin’ in the cheddar! Big pimpin son.

Until your legs flare up like 2 sausages and your butt cheeks are 2 big calluses. It was fun while it lasted, but you are in so much pain, you don’t even mind when some dude riding a John Deere does a drive-by and knocks you off of your smooth pimp ride. Now there is a new king in town. Lawn wars be crazy like that.
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