This is a Zombie Killer Bike Badge. I’ve been trying to earn one all day by mowing down pedestrians, but I guess I live in a zombie-free neighborhood. There was one old lady who had sores on her mouth who was shambling like the undead, and I thought for sure she was a zombie, but nope. Just a case of the herp and dementia. Then I realized I could just buy the badge. Boy is my face red. Also the front of my bike. Very red. And the streets.
Tag: bike
Bone Chillin’ Skeleton Motorcycle Statue
Vroom vroom! I love hitting the open road with my bone-r-cycle and feeling the power of the skeleton rev between my legs. That’s why I love this Bone Chillin’ Skeleton Motorcycle Statue. I’ll ride anything with ribs. I realize how dirty that sounds. It’s literally a white knuckle ride. See that guy’s knuckles there on the front wheel? White. I think this guy was in that show called Bones of Anarchy. Love that show. Skeleton gangs rule!
Alien Purse With Green Bike Handle
Check it. An intergalactic Alien Purse With Green Bike Handle. I finally got you you son of a b*tch! I was 10 years old when someone stole my right hand bike handle, forcing my ride to slightly sway left as I peddled, due to a slight deviation in weight and balance. I swore vengeance as my hair blew in the breeze and I felt the cold metal under my right hand. Kids pointed and laughed!
At last I shall have my vengeance! …By buying this craft fail in order to get my glittery bike handle back. Damn it! I have won!
But you don’t even have that bike anymore!
Shut up mom. Vengeance is mine!
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This $15,000. Monkey Bike Is Bananas
A planet where apes have evolved from Schwinns? Get your handlebars out from under me you damn dirty ape! This crazy Simian Schwinn is bananas. It’s nuts!
The only thing the seller says in the ad is to not get it wet. I can only guess it turns into some weird monkey-gremlin mode of transport in the rain. I promise not to feed it after midnight either. Can I just take it for a spin? I’m digging the whole chimp head hood ornament thing and the banana where a reflector should be. I shall name it Dr. Zaius.
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Bicycle Banana Holder
At last I can safely transport my banana from the store to my house without it getting a single bruise. This banana holder will solve that problem. You know how it is. You’re riding your bike, when you suddenly hit a huge bump, making your banana hurt so bad you wanna scream. Sometimes the ride is so bumpy that your banana just bounces around until it’s all soft and mushy.
This here banana holster will help. It gently embraces your banana, probably radiating a gentle warmth that is so nice and cozy that it only wants to be pulled out when it feels your bike finally reach the climax of that last hill as you gently coast home.
This holder makes for one happy banana. And happy bananas are healthy bananas.
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