Before the days of Etsy if you wanted a Cthulhu Necktie you had to go out and buy an octopus and let it live on the back of your neck, tentacles going down your chest. Eventually it would merge with you and share your mind-space. If you kept it moist enough it would even shake hands with your business associates for you.
Well, those days are gone. But that disgusting slimy feeling on the back of your neck lasts forever. Now you can just buy a tie with Cthulhu on it. We are living in an amazing age.
Make this Father’s Day special by giving dad the gift of tough dry meat in a heart shaped box. With Bigfoot on it. Holding a Rose. Because Bigfoot loves you. Can you hear the Barry White that he’s playing?
*Walks into forest.Waits a half hour. Hears STOMP STOMP STOMP. Bigfoot approaches.*
It’s about time you came to see your old man.
Well, I’ve been busy acting like an idiot on my blog. You smell like piss and *sniffs* more piss. Happy Father’s Day. *Hands him the heart shaped box of jerky.*
That’s very thoughtful son. *Bigfoot tears* Wait. Are you using my image without permission again?
No dad. I didn’t make it. The beef jerky came that way.
This is just like you son. We need to talk about responsibility-
*Throws hands up.* Here we go. How about “Thank you son. Now I don’t have to track and kill a deer tonight, which I can’t do anyway because I smell like piss and am like 10 feet tall.” This is why mom left. I’m-
*Sirens. Cop gets out of his car nearby.* I repeat, we have TWO of them. Bring ’em in alive and we’ll be rich!
