Tag: guide

Alien Invasion Resistance Manual

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Alien Invasion Resistance Manual
Don’t be caught off guard when the bum-plungers come in the dead of night to do their crazy experiments on you. Be prepared. The Alien Invasion Resistance Manual will prepare you. Know your enemy. Know your rights! Is it legal under galactic law to travel billions of light years and probe some Earthlings rectum? I have no idea, but I’m hoping this book tells me the answer, cuz I can’t afford an alien lawyer.

In true Haynes style, the Alien Invasion Resistance Manual aims to demonstrate how with the right knowledge, training and a substantial reel of aluminum foil, the concerned citizen can really hit ET where it hurts. You can protect your home and family from mind-bending abductions, you can ensure that you remain free of any sinister implants and you can determine which shape-shifting lizards are working to take over society. Accompanied by illustrations, maps, diagrams and step-by-step instructions, this resistance manual will be essential reading for those interested in protecting the planet from alien invaders.

– Discover the truth about aliens and how they have already infiltrated Earth

– Learn the real story behind the Roswell crash, Area 51 and terrifying facts about alien abductions

– Read about the alien species that threaten us -from the DNA-hungry Greys to the shape shifting Draconian reptiles

– Become an Extra-terrestrial Prepper – trained and ready to defend our planet

– Create an abduction ‘safe room’ in your home and learn how to fight alien invaders

– A comprehensive analysis of alien invasion strategies and how humanity can defeat them

– A complete blueprint to the defending of our Solar System

– Plus hundreds of new uses for aluminum foil

Zombie Survival Manual

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Zombie Survival Manual
You best learn how to survive the apocalypse. Cuz when it all goes down, you need to know how to navigate hordes of zombies,while poppin’ a cap in their heads with your pistol in one hand and slicing their heads clean off with a samurai sword in the other. You also have to learn how to keep finding twinkies and cheetos in the apocalypse, but that’s another story. Better stock up now is all I’m saying. This Zombie Survival Manual will tell you everything you need to know. I’m moving to the mountains right now and stocking up on TP. You should too.

How To Poo On A Date Book

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how to poo on a dateThis informative and educational How To Poo On A Date book will teach you the fine etiquette of pooing while on a date. So it’s about wooing and pooing.

Now toilet etiquett-sperts Mats & Enzo have turned their attention and extensive experience to what is surely one of the most important questions that has played on the mind of mankind for centuries: how to poo on a date. Not an instruction manual as the title might imply, this is a practical guide to confronting every possible problem or eventuality one may encounter when wooing. Inside you’ll learn exactly what to do (through explanatory text and useful diagrams) in a variety of practical, real-life situations, from feeling the call of nature as you walk in the woods with your paramour to what to do if you block her toilet with a monster mud-out.

The first thing that I do on a date is poo. It’s just nice to get it out of the way. Into the open.

*Ding-Dong*

Oh, hello. You look lovely. Do you mind if I just use the- Oh, thanks. I’ll just be a minute.

*2 minutes later*

Dear God! Are your insides made of actual trash? What kind of foul beast are you? *Falls to her knees retching*

Tsk-Tsk. Look’s like you will not be going anywhere tonight Princess. You’ve failed my little test. I need a woman whose nose is immune to my bathroom charms. You are not her. Good day to you.

But- *gag* Help me- *choke/cough*

I said good day!