Tag: horror

Creepy Murderous Mushroom Doll – Holy Shiitake!

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Creepy Murderous Mushroom Doll - Holy Shiitake!
We’ve seen some creepy dolls, but Holy Shiitake Batman! That is one crazed killer and creepy Murderous Mushroom Doll. Look at him. Did I just assume his gender? Deal with it. I mean if it has a mushroom head… He loves his mini murder spree and rusty-ass knife. That much is clear. The horror! Still, he looks like a fun-gi. Wanna hear a joke? I thought so. Where do they make prison food? In the Mush-Room. Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha. Don’t shank me bro! Anyway, why do toads need a stool? Take this Mushroom Doll home, and he won’t take up mushroom at all. I promise. Probably more truffle than he’s worth though to be honest.

Keep your eye on this little guy. He’s been trippin on his own juices. If you do buy this little guy make sure you set him up in a shroom with a view. You know. He likes his space is all I’m sayin. All I know is that the mushroom kingdom is not at all what the Mario games promised me it would be. It’s more nightmare than colorful platforming fun with my little cartoon buds. Nope. Not at all. Shudders.

E.L.F.s Balls – Evil Has Never Been So Round

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E.L.F.s Balls - Evil Has Never Been So Round
E.L.F.s Balls. It’s not what it sounds like. Elf balls are usually frozen from the North Pole’s frigid temps and frequently need fondling by reindeer. That’s what I heard anyway on the elf nads subreddit.  E.L.F stands for Evil Little F**kers. And they sure are. Just look at ’em. You can play catch with ’em, roll ’em around on the floor or just admire their ugly evil faces. You know, this may just be what elf testes look like. I have no idea myself. *hides my copy of elven monthly* Only Santa knows for sure. Shame on you Santa. I knew you were a weird dude.

They’re balls, they’re elves, you can throw them, rub them if they swell, toss them around and laugh at the name. They will help your elf esteem for sure. E.L.F.s Balls. Sure to be the latest phenomenon. Don’t be a hater. Instead embrace the elven love, much like Christmas Elf Love. All I’m saying is to give peace a chance. And give these weird-ass balls a chance. Which, coincidentally is what I said when I met my first wife. Long story short, she did. She gave them a chance, then kicked them to the curb.

Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Plant

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Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Plant
Damn, this Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Plant is terrifying. You can’t just buy this at your local grocery store. Otherwise, it would be called Freddy Kroger. Get it? That would be a pretty cool store mascot actually. Nightmare on aisle 5 yall! And also clean up. Cuz there’s a lot of blood. He actually looks like he’s about to do a cool dance number. Anyway, this Freddy plant is terrifying. Whether you have a green thumb or not, you gonna have no thumb after you water it. Maybe no hand or arm. All I know is that I’m glad that these Freddy Krueger plants don’t grow in the wild. I would be killing them with fire if they did. You hear that freddy? I’m not afraid of you. It’s true, I’m not afraid. I’m terrified beyond belief. They would probably only grow on Elm streets anyway. He is after all, the Nightmare On Elm Street. And every other street. You know, normally I pee on my plants to water them, cuz I’m eco-conscious and lazy, but I ain’t getting my junk anywhere near this thing.

 

Also check out this animated soul pizza. Souls are his favorite topping. Man-chovies if you will

Grim Reaper Scythe Choker Necklace – Why So Grim?

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Grim Reaper Scythe Choker Necklace
This Grim Reaper Scythe Choker Necklace won’t give you the power over who lives and who dies, but it will get you noticed. (Hopefully not by the reaper himself. You don’t want to be noticed by him.) And also make people keep their distance from you. It’s the Grim Reaper‘s weapon of choice right there on your chest as a cool and creepy accessory. Why is he so grim anyway? Seems like a sweet job. Kind of a breeze. Some people are just grumpy and never happy.

You have a list of names and you use that list to shuffle folks off of this mortal coil while holding your Grim Reaper Scythe. Some people are never happy. I guess there’s no room for promotion though. Hey, I’m in the bidness and I just got promoted. And I’m aiming to take his job. I’ll be the happy reap- Wait! Who shouted “bum reaper”? No respect! Now you are on my list. You are the first one. Congratulations. I hope you like a scythe where the sun don’t shine. Anyone else? Huh? Does anyone else have anything to say? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Man I really hate this job already.

 

Bat Wing Sunglasses For The Goth Goddess

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Bat Wing Sunglasses
Do you see the world through rose-colored glasses? Not me, I see bats. Probably cuz they’re always attacking my face. I guess I just have that kind of face. Or at least I used to before it was all eaten away. Anyway, check out these awesome Bat Wing Sunglasses. Batgirl would definitely wear these. They give your face some serious attitude. Or should I say bat-titude? Especially when you make those pouty lips like this cute chica is doing. Yes, it makes me want you. Don’t ever change my dear and don’t ever change your style. I’m wearing these on Baturday, the best day of the week. Of course, every day is Baturday when you wear these.

Baturday, in the park. I think it was the fourth of July… Get your face all goth, don’t be a sloth! These Bat Wing Sunglasses are the bats nads dude!