Tag: news

Escalator Eats Turkish Man

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Escalator Eats Turkish Man
Our worst fears have come true. The machines are “awakening” and coming to life. Picking us off one by one just like in Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive. Check out this security camera footage from a train station in Turkey that shows one of my worst nightmares. An escalator suddenly opens up and swallows a guy. (On the right. At 0:20) Damn. I guess that escalator got itself a little Turkish Delight for a snack. A large gap, or as I like to call it, a “machine mouth” opens up between the steps and just takes this guy down.

It took an hour to save him and he lived cuz machines suck at chewing their food. I’m taking the stairs from now on.
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UFO Appears Behind Newscast in Oregon

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UFO Appears Behind Newscast in Oregon
So a UFO showed up on the news again. While the 3 blondes and a bald dude do there robot news talk, a flash appears in the sky, then a pair of lights streak across the sky on the big screen behind them on the city’s skyline. That’s the big news in Oregon, but in even stranger news, I can’t stop looking at the slow-mo footage of that saucy blonde anchor fem-bot’s vacant face. Looks like something does not compute and her circuits are overheating. BTW is that Al Roker? Nah, just a discount version. Al Broker. Ha ha ha. Not that you can get much more discount than Al MK Ultra Roker.
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Fart-Tracking Pill Is Totally Unnecessary

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Fart-Tracking Pill Is Totally Unnecessary
So here’s the deal. A research team has developed this pill, which looks like some robo-turd and measures hydrogen, carbon dioxide and oxygen gases in the gut in real time. So it basically tracks farts. Me? I don’t need this pill cuz I track farts with my nose. Sometimes I even grade the fart on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the smell of a festering corpse left out in the sun in a landfill and stuffed with cabbage. I don’t need anyone else to take this pill either cuz guess what? I smell your farts too. And that one guy two cubicles down is nailing the high 8 barrier today bigtime. I bet he felt the heat on his cheeks when he unleashed that last one.

Therefore your fart pill is useless. Wanna know if you have digestive issues? How nasty is your steaming fecal cloud? That’ll tell ya. The nose knows.

via CNet (Careful of their super loud and super annoying auto play video, which scared a magnitude 10 fartquake from my San Andr-anus fault cuz I had the sound way up.)

Walking Octopuses Attack On The Shores Of Wales

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Walking Octopuses Attack On The Shores Of Wales
*Holds up picket signs.* Octopus stay in the water! They walk, we run! Down with the cephalopods! *Drops picket signs and runs as the Octopi horde approaches.* Residents of beach community in Wales have witnessed dozens of octopi emerging from the ocean and walking along the shore. Witnesses yelled, “Stop doing that.” and “You aren’t people!”. One old man yelled, “It took you eight legs to do that? Ha! I got two and I been doing it my whole life!” He then proceeded to unload on the octopi “Terminator with a shotgun” style. Okay I made that last part up, but for reals, Octopuses are leaving the ocean and walking on shore like badasses.

At least twenty-five have been seen walking along the sands of New Quay beach over three consecutive nights. It looks like the beginning of an invasion people. Guard your beaches, protect your mermaids if you have ’em.
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Scarecrow Terrorizes UK Family

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Scarecrow Terrorizes UK Family
A mother and daughter walking their dog in a wooded area in England think they have been followed by what looks like a scarecrow! Not sure where the cowardly lion, the tin man, Dorothy and Toto were. The mom suddenly heard what sounded like someone else walking in the woods and also heard a whispering man’s voice. There does appear to be someone lurking behind her daughter as they walk down the path. Apparently, they never saw this scarecrow again. Probably cuz that was the last straw!
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