Fart-Tracking Pill Is Totally Unnecessary

Fart-Tracking Pill Is Totally Unnecessary
So here’s the deal. A research team has developed this pill, which looks like some robo-turd and measures hydrogen, carbon dioxide and oxygen gases in the gut in real time. So it basically tracks farts. Me? I don’t need this pill cuz I track farts with my nose. Sometimes I even grade the fart on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the smell of a festering corpse left out in the sun in a landfill and stuffed with cabbage. I don’t need anyone else to take this pill either cuz guess what? I smell your farts too. And that one guy two cubicles down is nailing the high 8 barrier today bigtime. I bet he felt the heat on his cheeks when he unleashed that last one.

Therefore your fart pill is useless. Wanna know if you have digestive issues? How nasty is your steaming fecal cloud? That’ll tell ya. The nose knows.

via CNet (Careful of their super loud and super annoying auto play video, which scared a magnitude 10 fartquake from my San Andr-anus fault cuz I had the sound way up.)

Pull My Finger Fart Scented Candle

Pull My Finger Fart Scented Candle
Pull my finger. *sharts* Be right back. I have to go clean up. You shouldn’t have pulled it that hard. What are you nuts? This is why I need a Pull My Finger Fart Scented Candle. That way, I can get all of the smell of this joke, without all the mess of sharting myself like a volcano.

This fart scented candle is so realistic, once you light it, you’ll want to light another match! It says it burns for 40 hours, just like your butt would if you laid this much stink yourself. Mmmmmmm. Smells like home. *Passes out.*

Fart Warning Underwear

Fart Warning Underwear
Fart Warning Underwear. You’ve been warned. I don’t know why you’re still hanging around watching that loading bar reach critical mass. When this thing blows the walls are gonna be repainted.

Just squirted a little, so I can get ya a color swatch. I call it “Downtown Brown”. It’s hip and trendy. I think you’ll like it.