Author: Artemis Winterford

Coffin Office Chairs – Not R.I.P-Cliners

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Coffin Office Chairs - Not R.I.P-Cliners
Stuck in your dead end job? Is your workplace dead quiet? Is your CEO the Corpse Executive Officer? If any of those apply, these Coffin Office Chairs are for you. Perfect for that funeral home with a macabre sense of humor. Or if you are the Munsters or the Adams family. Just don’t fall asleep in these chairs, someone may cover you up with a matching coffin lid and toss you in the dirt. If you have these coffin office chairs in your office along with this coffin zen garden, you’ll have a great theme that will allow you to rest in peace. Which is a great thing during those long and super boring business meetings that could have been handled via email. God I hate those. You know what I mean? Because you feel half dead during those meetings anyway. Sadly it looks like the insides of these chairs are not as fancy and lush as that of the inside of a real coffin, which means they are not as comfortable as the real deal. If you’ve ever been in one, you know what I’m talking about. If you were lucky enough to get out again that is.

Via Technabob

Shrek Pooping Toothpaste Topper – Holy Shrek

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Shrek Pooping Toothpaste Topper - Holy Shrek
This Shrek pooping toothpaste topper will make your dreams come true. If you’ve ever wanted to watch Shrek take a dump anyway. That’s probably more of us than are willing to admit it. Come on, there’s nothing like taking a good Shrek. And that’s no Bull-Shrek. Now you and your kids can enjoy the big green guy as he squeezes some soft serve from his sensitive cheeks. Right onto your toothbrush. It looks like the big green guy has been drinking a lot of milk. Or something white. That can’t be good. If that happens you see a doctor. You see parents, this is how you get your kids to brush their teeth. It’s gross and fun. That’s a combination that kids love. They will be making fart sounds as it comes out. Haha. Look mom, he just sh*t himself. That’s cool son. Now get that gooey butt paste into your mouth and brush ’em. I bought your dentist a new Porsche last month and now he’s eyeing up a boat. So Shrek better be pooping 3 times a day.

That’s a good goal for all of us honestly. It reminds me of this crazy goblin made from assorted junk.

Little Poopers – Butt Nuggets Never Looked So Cute

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Little Poopers - Butt Nuggets Never Looked So Cute
Check out Little Poopers. Someone’s raising a stink. Who took a dump in here? And, what the deuce? Why is it….cute? A cute turd? Is that a curd? Who left it? Unicorns? Fairies? Hello Kitty riding on a unicorn with a fairy after eating too much roughage? No matter how adorable these poops may seem, they’re still stinkers. Trust me, they will draw flies. Big or small, cute or ugly, all poop stinks. But they think they’re the sh*t!. Does it make it better or worse that these turds can stare back at you? Talk about awkward eye contact. No matter where you leave one of these little poopers figurines, it will be sure to start a conversation! Or raise a stink. Much like ZooPoo.

Barbie – Shave And Play

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Shave And Play Barbie
Barbie goes Au Naturel with Shave And Play Barbie. You know Barbie? This is her slightly less-groomed cousin, Borbie. Borbie has a singular talent. Rapid and excessive hair growth. Testosterone overload! How fast can you grow a beard? Doesn’t matter. You’ve got nothing on Borbie. She discovered this propensity for body hair during the great pandemic of 2020. She had nowhere to go, no one to see, and not a soul to impress. “Why not let it all go?” she asked herself. Why not, indeed? One week of neglecting the razor soon led to two, then three, then an entire year went by. Sasquatch sightings were on the rise. Borbie was liberated. Free of the restraints of grooming, she celebrated her flowing body hair just like anyone else, with a mini dress and colorful eyeshadow. Hey, what’s wrong with that? Works for me. She has more hair on her face than a wolfman and more hair on her chest than a… manly man. I’m not even gonna talk about that other area. Also check out Cyclops Fashion Barbie. Like a true Karen, she sees everything. Whether she then asks for the manager I can’t say. But good luck finding eyewear at Pearlvision biatch.

Oh Hello Kitty OMFG!

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Oh Hello Kitty OMFG!
Oh Hello Kitty OMFG! This horrific kitty of nightmares is everyone’s favorite kitty, but all funked up! She’s cute, she’s cuddly, she’s… Carnivorous?She’s my murderer! Oh, holy crap! Hello Kitty has a new addition to her adorable face. Pink perky bow, adorable pointy ears, sweet little whiskers….What’s this? Those are monster tentacles! And an open mouth of death with crooked human teeth! Plus, strings of sticky, slimy drool! This horrific kitty beast needs some dental work, pronto. And, maybe a bib while we are at it. Is that drool? Damn girl, get a napkin at least. Control yourself, Hello Kitty! How do you feel about tentacles? She says that they are all the better to squeeze you with. Hello Kitty’s got three! Don’t get too close! I hear she does body cavity searches at with those things. Probably works at an airport.

At least I don’t see any claws on Hello Kitty like these rhinestone claw nail rings. That mouth is dangerous enough and I bet her whiskers are razor sharp. One thing is for sure, I will never look at this character the same way again. I also really hope that she doesn’t look at me. Ever. Just please don’t even notice me.