Tag: etsy

E.L.F.s Balls – Evil Has Never Been So Round

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E.L.F.s Balls - Evil Has Never Been So Round
E.L.F.s Balls. It’s not what it sounds like. Elf balls are usually frozen from the North Pole’s frigid temps and frequently need fondling by reindeer. That’s what I heard anyway on the elf nads subreddit.  E.L.F stands for Evil Little F**kers. And they sure are. Just look at ’em. You can play catch with ’em, roll ’em around on the floor or just admire their ugly evil faces. You know, this may just be what elf testes look like. I have no idea myself. *hides my copy of elven monthly* Only Santa knows for sure. Shame on you Santa. I knew you were a weird dude.

They’re balls, they’re elves, you can throw them, rub them if they swell, toss them around and laugh at the name. They will help your elf esteem for sure. E.L.F.s Balls. Sure to be the latest phenomenon. Don’t be a hater. Instead embrace the elven love, much like Christmas Elf Love. All I’m saying is to give peace a chance. And give these weird-ass balls a chance. Which, coincidentally is what I said when I met my first wife. Long story short, she did. She gave them a chance, then kicked them to the curb.

Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Plant

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Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Plant
Damn, this Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger Plant is terrifying. You can’t just buy this at your local grocery store. Otherwise, it would be called Freddy Kroger. Get it? That would be a pretty cool store mascot actually. Nightmare on aisle 5 yall! And also clean up. Cuz there’s a lot of blood. He actually looks like he’s about to do a cool dance number. Anyway, this Freddy plant is terrifying. Whether you have a green thumb or not, you gonna have no thumb after you water it. Maybe no hand or arm. All I know is that I’m glad that these Freddy Krueger plants don’t grow in the wild. I would be killing them with fire if they did. You hear that freddy? I’m not afraid of you. It’s true, I’m not afraid. I’m terrified beyond belief. They would probably only grow on Elm streets anyway. He is after all, the Nightmare On Elm Street. And every other street. You know, normally I pee on my plants to water them, cuz I’m eco-conscious and lazy, but I ain’t getting my junk anywhere near this thing.

 

Also check out this animated soul pizza. Souls are his favorite topping. Man-chovies if you will

Gothic Storage Jars Put Bats In Your Belfry

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Gothic Storage Jars Put Bats In Your Belfry
These Gothic Storage Jars fill your kitchen with enough bats to drive you batty. Sugar, tea, and coffee storage jars never looked so good. I had no idea they made storage jars for this stuff. I can finally get rid of those mounds of sugar on my counter. I’ll have to sift out the ants first, but totally worth it. I can also get rid of that pile of flour in the cabinet. I usually get rid of it just by opening the cabinet, because it all falls out. These are going to look great in my kitchen. You can never have too many bats in the belfry after all. Go Goth or go home! Hey where ya going? You’re supposed to go goth and NOT go home when I say that. Oh you went goth AND are going home? Well, that’s rude. I was going to show you my cool batwing coffin necklace. Now you can forget it. And I’m not sharing these Gothic Storage Jars either. So there.

Bat Wing Sunglasses For The Goth Goddess

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Bat Wing Sunglasses
Do you see the world through rose-colored glasses? Not me, I see bats. Probably cuz they’re always attacking my face. I guess I just have that kind of face. Or at least I used to before it was all eaten away. Anyway, check out these awesome Bat Wing Sunglasses. Batgirl would definitely wear these. They give your face some serious attitude. Or should I say bat-titude? Especially when you make those pouty lips like this cute chica is doing. Yes, it makes me want you. Don’t ever change my dear and don’t ever change your style. I’m wearing these on Baturday, the best day of the week. Of course, every day is Baturday when you wear these.

Baturday, in the park. I think it was the fourth of July… Get your face all goth, don’t be a sloth! These Bat Wing Sunglasses are the bats nads dude!

Alien Beer – It Will Abduct Your Senses, Probe Your Holes

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Alien Beer
If you ever wondered what those grey abducting space bastardos drink just before they swerve to a stop and activate their tractor beam, here it is: Alien Beer. Well, it’s non-alcoholic to us, but these little butt-probing weirdos get drunk on the stuff. Which explains that one encounter I had where it kept telling me how pretty I was. A 4-pack will cost you almost $400. I call that Alien inflation, which is also what I call it when I pump up that cute little alien doll I have hidden in the- Nevermind.