Tag: alien

Alien Mummy In Coffin

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Alien Mummy In Coffin

Check out this Alien Mummy In Coffin. I’m positive it is authentic. No doubts whatsoever. The seller says so. It was supposedly found in the Carpathians in western Ukraine and is the body of an alien child that seems to not be subject to decay. Yep. This is totally the real deal. No question about it. And besides, This Alien Mummy In Coffin does look like one of the little guys who woke me up that night and ran a bunch of anus-related experiments. Fare thee well intergalactic freakazoids and thanks for the Prep-H.

Not to be confused with Mummy Mike.

Dill Pickle Scented Alien Head Candle

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Dill Pickle Scented Alien Head Candle
So what’s the big dill? This Dill Pickle scented Alien head candle, that’s what. Why dill? Why the hell not? For all I know that’s what they probe you with. That would be quite a pickle. Definitely not an i-dill situation. Anyway, if you want the sweet scent of dill while staring at a burning alien head you might be high and if not you can have that experience right here with this strange Scented Alien Head Candle. It doesn’t probe my bung-hole so much as it blows my mind.

Now I’m gonna open up a jar of pickles and put them in briefcases so we can all play dill or no deal like I was Howie Man-dill. That would be my I-dill Friday night anyway. That show is a vlasic. I mean a classic. And I think I just ran out of pickle jokes. It had to happen sooner or later. Nothing lasts forever. Not even a green alien head candle burning brightly while emitting the sweet scent of pickles. Which are just elderly cucumbers if we are being honest. If I sound drunk it’s because I am. I’ve been downing loads of this Alien Beer. It is not pickle flavored.

Alien Beer – It Will Abduct Your Senses, Probe Your Holes

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Alien Beer
If you ever wondered what those grey abducting space bastardos drink just before they swerve to a stop and activate their tractor beam, here it is: Alien Beer. Well, it’s non-alcoholic to us, but these little butt-probing weirdos get drunk on the stuff. Which explains that one encounter I had where it kept telling me how pretty I was. A 4-pack will cost you almost $400. I call that Alien inflation, which is also what I call it when I pump up that cute little alien doll I have hidden in the- Nevermind.

Alien Man In Black Mannequin

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Alien Man In Black Mannequin
You could have this Alien Man In Black Mannequin in the corner of your room, protecting his pee-pee with his white-gloved hands and hoping that he is invisible. So is it a man in black or an alien? Make up your damn mind. And get your hands off your junk. This is what I want in a butler by the way.

Alien.
Well-dressed.
Stand in the corner and shut your abduction-hole.
Hide that boner!

Until I ring the bell. Then bring me my food biatch! You better cut that Snickers properly this time so I can eat it with a fork.

Alien Xenomorph Egg Cushion Pillow

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Alien Xenomorph Egg Cushion Pillow
This Alien Xenomorph Egg Cushion Pillow lets you lay down on the couch and get your damn face hugged into oblivion. Naptime is now nightmare time. Alien eggs. For your couch. Or bed. Or wherever the hell you want to be scared to death. Bonus: If someone tries to grab your pillow, you can say, “Hey! Lego my alien EGGo!” That’s always fun. At least until they hatch. Then your fun wordplay aint shizz! You’re just alien Xenomorph food.

After it eats you, it’s gonna sit on your couch watching Oprah and warm up all of the other eggs until they hatch. Sad really.