Tag: prayer

Praying Zombie Hands

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Praying Zombie Hands
Praying Zombie Hands! Dear God, thank you for this bounty of brains on my plate. Thank you for making me a rotting undead corpse who shuffles more than walks. Thank you for making all living humans fear me, even though I get my brains from the local research laboratory. Thank you for those people who shot at my head today and missed.

Could you please moisturize me a little though? My skin is really peeling off lately. Not that I question your wisdom. And please keep me safe guys with shotguns. I can only move so fast, cuz I’m friggin’ undead here. Also, yesterday my pee-pee dried up and fell off. Anyway I could grow another?

Amen.

The X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candle Set

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The X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candle Set
These X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candles will help to insure that your prayers reach them and aren’t intercepted by grey aliens. You know how it is when you pray to Saint Scully and Saint Mulder. Mulder wants to believe so he’ll listen to anything, but Sculley is a skeptic so she’s the one you really have to convince.

Tell them all of your darkest secrets and throw your prayers their way. I’m gonna ask for a ride on a UFO and a sweet conspiracy adventure where I can’t trust anyone. I’m already with the feds. No really. I’m a F-emale B-ody I-nspector.

Saint Beetlejuice Candle

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saint beetlejuice candle
This Saint Beetlejuice Candle should only be used with prayers that begin with saying his name three times. I can get away with it, because I’m typing the name, not saying it. Just another sweet-ass perk of being a blogger. Don’t you try it.

Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

See. Totally safe. I knew that dingus Michael Keaton wasn’t going to appear. ARGHHHH! Internet is crapping out! My computer is soooooo slow. I’m-

Update: Gonna finish using the library computer, cuz my screen is all black and white stripes with Beetlejizz in the foreground juggling Winona Ryder and Tim Burton’s heads.

Once again, the perks of being a blogger turn out to be an exaggeration. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Stick with your selfies and texting while colliding with poles and leave blogging to the pros.

I’m off to the deli to get a slice of rye and some moldy bologna. An old Chinese guy told me it was the only way to banish him.