You know how it is. Every New Years eve humans make resolutions to go to the gym and vow never to be lard-butts again, then they go work out on January 1st and realize it isn’t so bad being a lard-butt. Meanwhile, robots are exercising so they can all take us in a fight. These robots be gettin’ them gains son! Doing sit-ups, push-ups and looking creepy AF. Try not to be weirded out as you watch these robots workout. I’m not scared. Come at me bro! Come at me! I’m effin’ ripped bro. Just ripped my pants! Oh man, I’m winded. Also having trouble getting out of this chair, which seems to be getting smaller everyday. My heart is really racing guys. Whew. Just gonna have a twinkie and calm down. Oh that’s better. You win this one Terminator.
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Author: Artemis Winterford
Skeleton Hand Napkin Holder
Unhand my napkins you bony biatch! Seriously though, this Skeleton Hand Napkin Holder will come in handy at dinner time. It takes a very hands on approach. It’s doing a great job, so everybody give it a hand. Okay, enough hand jokes. I’ve said the word hand so many times that you would think I was getting paid to say it. Like I got a hand job or something. Well, that didn’t sound right. I’m just gonna quit while I’m ahead. Enjoy your awesome new napkin holder.
Squatty Potty – Dookie The Pooping Unicorn Plush
Do you own a Squatty Potty? I do. Dookie The Pooping Unicorn has changed the way I poop. Saved my life. Cleansed my colon. Got my Cleveland Steamer running better than ever. He better my bowels. My rhoids are less annoyed. While my pooping is still not leveled up enough to poop rainbows, my Hershey’s kiss production line might just turn a profit for the first time in years if I can just find some of that colored foil and some ribbon shards to package it in. What I’m saying is a heartfelt thank you.
Thank you Dookie for making America great again. For my butt.
If you feel the same way, you’re gonna want this Dookie The Pooping Unicorn Plush. He will keep you going. Help you keep the faith that your pooping will get better. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. *tears* I used to poop little pebble pellets, but ever since I got Squatty Potty, I poop giant grizzly bear mounds and am a mighty beast in my own bathroom again. My spirit animal is is now a Jedi ghost formed from noxious sh*t stink and I am slowly learning the ways of the force. Thank you!
Terrifying Poseable Needle Felted Plant Monsters
FrivolousForest makes these Terrifying Poseable Needle Felted Plant Monsters, along with some other equally horrifying monster miniatures. I think I saw some of these roaming around in the woods last week, but that may have been that nyquil on the rocks I took to ward off my oncoming cold. Don’t judge, I get a lot of cold symptoms and I need my medicine. Besides you know what they say. Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. Especially when mixed with Nyquil. I feel healthy as a horse. A horse who never remembers much and constantly wakes up in the forest with little creatures around me.
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Scary Zodiac Pillow Covers
Like OMG these Scary Zodiac Pillow Covers are so on fleek. Mercury is def in retrograde guys cuz they didn’t even get my name right at Starbucks. Plus Jupiter is ascending in the fourth house and like, OMG where’d you get those boots. Those boots go with that blouse like Aries and Aquarius. I’m so gel. I’m totally buying those so we can be twinsies! We are so gemini. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh look, something shiny and funny sound from phone! AKA “sleepytime while my thumbs move”.