Tag: bizarre

Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse

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Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse
I can’t wait to use this Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse to scare the hell out of every cashier in my path. Maybe they’ll stop asking me to pay. Oh, I think I have 15 cents here, let me look. Why don’t you dig around in there for me- Hahaha you should have seen your face. Why are you clutching your left arm and gasping for breath? What’s that? What are you trying to say? This is no time for charades! Hmmm. Rhymes with… Heart? Stabbing… Stabbing pain? Heart attack? Oh shite! Ummm, that’s not considered murder is it? Should I go on the run now? I just thought it was a joke I could sink my teeth into. I swear. I didn’t mean it.

Put your money where your teeth is. Are. I suck at English. This Monster Teeth Beaded Change Purse is hungry. For coinage. Every time I pay and they give me change I’m gonna say “Fangs you very much” I’m just polite like that. I’m also going to be wearing my cool human teeth ring cuz you have to accessorize. I’ll be that weird dude who is obsessed with teeth and the kids will create urban legends around me.

Moth Man Plant Pot

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Moth Man Plant Pot
This Moth Man Plant Pot is all kinds of awesome. F-ing awesome. Damn awesome. Even moth-some. Super duper triple nipple moth-some. (What?) Hey, welcome to my headspace. I know that some plants prefer to grow in the darkness and it doesn’t get any darker than growing out of Moth Man himself. Plus it makes this cryptid look super amazeballs with spiky hair. He’s gonna be a real hit with the ladies now. Mothman on the prowl yall. On the prowl and making ladies howl. He kinda looks like a Pokemon. And those eyes are hypnotizing me. Telling me to buy it and put a weird cactus in it so he looks extra cool and punk rock.

 

I should make my own cryptid super team to go along with this guy. Like Broth Man, who always has some tasty soup for ya. Then there’s David Lee Roth Man who is just super cool and rocking all the time. And Sloth Man who is just slow as hell and dumb too, but the other guys just put up with him. We all have that friend right? What a dumbass. Uh… It’s usually me. Oh man, I just realized that and now I’m sad.

Canned Mermaids – Sardine Dames

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Canned Mermaids - Sardine Dames

Who wants a tin of canned mermaids? Looks pretty crowded in there. I bet these dames are tasty though. Very salty probably. I like the old-timey hair. That’s how you know they’ve been in there for a while. Well, that and the smell. Okay, close that up! Oh crap, you can’t close the tin once it’s opened. It smells like the ocean farted and made every whale barf. Open a window and grab my gas mask. Look at them! A chorus line of ca-ca fouling my space!

At first, I thought these Canned Mermaids were canned, as in fired. But then I wondered why you never see any mermaid maids. Then I fell asleep and spilled my whiskey. Thought I peed myself, but nope. Then squeezed the crotch area on my pants and recycled my drink, cuz I love the Earth. So it’s been a full day.

Do the can can can! Do the can can can!

Alien Beer – It Will Abduct Your Senses, Probe Your Holes

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Alien Beer
If you ever wondered what those grey abducting space bastardos drink just before they swerve to a stop and activate their tractor beam, here it is: Alien Beer. Well, it’s non-alcoholic to us, but these little butt-probing weirdos get drunk on the stuff. Which explains that one encounter I had where it kept telling me how pretty I was. A 4-pack will cost you almost $400. I call that Alien inflation, which is also what I call it when I pump up that cute little alien doll I have hidden in the- Nevermind.

Real Old Medical Slides

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Real Old Medical Slides
These old medical slides are creepy. Which is why I’m thinking about hanging them up in the old castle here. They’re from a West Virginia VA Hospital and feature educational diagrams. You know, so you can learn how to do all kinds of medical stuff. Not like open-heart surgery or anything, but I could learn to be a real doctor, with real malpractice suits and everything. Awesome.