I know that all of that wine is gonna kill my liver, so my bottle might as well have a coffin top. This Coffin Wine Stopper will help your liver and your wine RIP. That’s rest in peace. Just in case anyone thought I was typing a fart sound my butt just made. That would be more like riiippppp with a tight squeak. And it just happened for reals. Man, I need some coffin underwear now, cuz that one killed my colon. Scratch that. I just need new underwear.
Tag: casket
Ornate Coffin Mirror
Step up to the Ornate Coffin Mirror and have a gander. See who is resting in peace. Spoiler alert. It’s you! It’s always gonna be you. And since you are going to die one day, this mirror tells the future. Unless you choose to be cremated. Then you’ll just show up as a blurry ashy shape in the mirror. What a thrill, to wake up and look into a coffin every morning and see your own fugly face of mortality staring back at you. Makes you feel alive. Also depressed.
Coffin Pool Table
Nine ball corner casket, I mean pocket. This Coffin Pool Table is all fun and games until you find out there’s a dead body in there that you have been whacking with your balls. That sounded dirty. I apologize. If I owned this, I think I would have to play with pool balls that look like bloody eyes. Also, what this needs is a skeleton hand in each hole that will put the balls back on the table for you. Did that sound dirty too? I can’t tell. Now I’m all self-conscious.
Beeswax Coffin Candle Set
Mind your own beeswax by displaying this macabre Beeswax Coffin Candle Set in your home or funeral parlor. Macabre. That’s a weird word. Should be said like mac-ab-bree, but people say mac-cobb. Words are weird. That’s okay, we like weird. Imma put a bunch of these on a birthday cake for a really old person and see if I get punched.
Blood Splattered Coffin Coasters
These Blood Splattered Coffin Coasters make every drink a morbid margarita, a deadly daiquiri, a corpsey cocktail, a macabre manhattan, a terrorizing Tom Collins, Death on the beach, a tequila of terror, a scary screwdriver, or a Long Island iced terror. Just set your drink down on one of these coasters, otherwise the wife will be putting you in a box and burying you six feet deep. Why do ya think I drink so much?