Author: Artemis Winterford

Plague Doctor Doll

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Plague Doctor Doll
The doctor is in. This Plague Doctor Doll looks pretty cool. He’ll keep you safe from the plague. Which I am famous for curing by the way. How did I do it? Through science and chemistry? Through harvesting herbs? Hell no. I just changed the “g” to a “q”. And ever since these Plague doctors have been known as plaque doctors. So instead of battling the plague, they battle plaque in your teeth and in your arteries, while earning awesome plaques for their service which they decorate their offices with.

See, I cured the damn thing. I don’t even get any credit. Awesome Plague Doctor Doll anyway.

While we are talking Plague Docs, check out this cool Plague Doctor Statue.

Dentures Brooch – Haute Cou-Tooth

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Dentures Brooch - Haute Cou-Tooth
3…tooth…1… Looking for a fancy new Dentures Brooch? Here you go. It goes with anything. Wear it with a blazer, a sweater, wear it on your pants and if anyone asks you have an elder girlfriend who left them behind. Or that a hooker left them behind. AKA an in-dentured servant. I have no idea and that’s the tooth. I just work here and I spend most of the day napping. This dentures brooch is a dangly, toothy, do not brooch this subject brooch. It pairs well with the human teeth ring. Which sounds like some elderly gang who goes around stealing teeth, but it’s not.

Dill Pickle Scented Alien Head Candle

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Dill Pickle Scented Alien Head Candle
So what’s the big dill? This Dill Pickle scented Alien head candle, that’s what. Why dill? Why the hell not? For all I know that’s what they probe you with. That would be quite a pickle. Definitely not an i-dill situation. Anyway, if you want the sweet scent of dill while staring at a burning alien head you might be high and if not you can have that experience right here with this strange Scented Alien Head Candle. It doesn’t probe my bung-hole so much as it blows my mind.

Now I’m gonna open up a jar of pickles and put them in briefcases so we can all play dill or no deal like I was Howie Man-dill. That would be my I-dill Friday night anyway. That show is a vlasic. I mean a classic. And I think I just ran out of pickle jokes. It had to happen sooner or later. Nothing lasts forever. Not even a green alien head candle burning brightly while emitting the sweet scent of pickles. Which are just elderly cucumbers if we are being honest. If I sound drunk it’s because I am. I’ve been downing loads of this Alien Beer. It is not pickle flavored.

Black Gothic Heart Wall Pocket

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Black Gothic Heart Wall Pocket
At first, I thought that this Black Gothic Heart Wall Pocket was where you keep the hearts of your enemies, but it’s just shaped like a heart. With an awesome skull on it too. Me? I wear my heart on my sleeve, not my pocket, so you could say I have a heart-on. And it is painted on my sleeve with a fire and barb wire design. So you could say it is a raging heart-on. Get it? No you don’t because I’m saving myself. For myself later tonight. It’s going to be very romantic, with candles, a bath and lots and lots of crying. But I definitely have a heart-on for this gothic decor. This wall pocket is perfect for a blood rose or some deadly herbs. It has an old world charm with a suitable creepy vibe for your home.

Wall pockets make me think of hot pockets, so now I’m hungry. I’m off to get some food, but before I go, don’t forget that you can also check out this cool Black Heart Soap. They look just like real hearts, but instead of blood on your hands, you’ll get soap all over your hands. Soap is much better.

Dark Violin Art – Wood Carved Skull and Bones

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Dark Violin Art - Wood Carved Skull and Bones
This is just the kind of weird art that we love. When was the last time you saw dark violin art that looked this cool? At a Yo Yo Ma concert? These violins from EngraversDungeonArt are more like Yo Yo WTF! I’ve never seen a musical instrument looking so cool and creepy. They have several designs available to grace your gothic halls and walls. Just be aware that this is a limited edition piece, with only 50 pieces that will ever be created and painted. So you better be quick about it. If you miss out, I’m just gonna laugh at you and play the world’s tiniest violin. You don’t want that because it sounds like a bunch of alley cats in heat and all in a pile doing the nasty, and they are not having fun. You ever hear that? Thank your lucky stars that you have not. Your ears would never be the same. Ask my former music teacher. Well, you could have asked him, but sadly now he’s deaf and shaking in a rubber room somewhere. This art is absolutely stunning, though. No bones about it. This classes up your castle while adding just the right amount of beautiful darkness.