Author: Artemis Winterford

Nightmare Pizza Wall Hanging

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Nightmare Pizza Wall Hanging
This Nightmare Pizza Wall Hanging takes your favorite food and turns it into nightmare fuel for your wall. If you’ve ever dreamed (Or nightmared) of displaying your own psychotic slice of nightmare pizza on the wall, urine luck. I have no doubt that this thing will kill me in the night if I even look at another slice of pizza. Or if I dare sleep in a slice of pizza sleeping bag. (while caressing that sweet crust all night long. Ohhh I love you pizza cocoon. I am the stuffing in your crust.) This slice ain’t scaring me. I’m a pizza slut. I sleep around with pizza and in it as often as I can. Hell, I have a pizza oriented onlyfans.

Luckily for me, I have my own za on the wall and that’s only because I throw pizza at my wall when I get it. Isn’t that how you know it’s cooked? Oh, wait that’s pasta. Reminds me, I still have a bunch of that on the wall too. That, some ravioli, a few mashed potato splats, and the stray booger or two… I really should clean my walls. With a spatula. Better make that one of those indutrail paint scrapers.

Black Raven With Secret Key

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Black Raven With Secret Key
So this is what everyone is raven about. This Black Raven With Secret Key is the perfect decor for your garden. What’s the key to? Your heart of course. How the hell should I know? They love shiny things. I should know since they keep pecking at my jewels. The family jewels that is. Why attack my crotch? What the hell is wrong with these black ravens? Must be my shiny zipper. I can’t even go outside anymore.

Yeah, so this one’s not for me, but you’ll probably love it. I’m better off with these stained glass ravens. But I can’t stop asking myself what that key is for? Is it a key to raven headquarters? Does he have all of the shiny stuff that he collected locked up in a vault and he keeps it close so no one can steal it all? Is he teaching other ravens to do this? Are we going to see birds everywhere wearing a key like this, maybe two or three, all decked out like Mr. T? I have so many questions and the bird ain’t talking. He ain’t even squawking. Mostly I just want to take a peek at his super secret stash.

Straight Outta The Coffin T-Shirt

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Straight Outta The Coffin T-Shirt
Gang gang! This Straight Outta The Coffin T-Shirt is some serious gang shizz. The coffin gang. Definitely, the bloods then, not the crypts. Wear it and show your colors cuz you know the werewolf gang on the upper east side ain’t playin’ and stuff is about to pop off! They been lifting their legs in our hood and showing disrespect, pissing on every fire hydrant like the dogs they are. It’s war. It’s also starting to really smell bad.

Fresh out of your coffin? Also, check out this Coffin Zen Garden.

Straight Outta The Coffin

Ain’t been out dat often

My and my possie out for blood.

Pants are outta fashion

Like I’m expecting a flood.

Sipping O Negative like it was a positive

From my gothic pimp cup. It’s my prerogative.

Flying through the night with my bat homies

Sucking from the neck of a chick named Naomi.

I ain’t playing no garlic, I ain’t playing no cross.

Gotta make a note so I don’t forget to floss.

Teeth are all filed sharp as a razor.

I’m marking each victim with a mother f***ing laser.

Back to my coffin cuz I’m tired as sh*t

Been drinkin’ all night and it’s time to quit.

Creepy Face Plaque To Make Your Walls Crawl

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Creepy Face Plaque To Make Your Walls Crawl
This Creepy Face Plaque goes on your wall to make it seem like some creeper is watching you from another room. This would be the one that you know about anyway. I can’t tell if he’s startled by what he’s seen or happy about it, but he’s definitely seen some sh*t. Oh yeah, you’ve seen some caca if you’re watching me. You have no idea. That’s gotta suck not being able to scratch your own nose though, so maybe help him out from time to time. Give him a little scratch is all I’m saying. A little tickle now and then. I would personally hide this on the inside of a cabinet door to scare the hell out of anyone trying to steal my snacks. So I hereby name him Snack Guardian. This creepy face plaque kinda reminds me of the old lady in the Goonies. He really should get more sleep. I mean look at those bags under the eyes. Look at that skin? Would a little moisturizer kill ya? I’m talking about some simple self care my man.  No one else will love you until you love you. That’s all I’m saying. Even your damn lips are chapped.

Gothic Lace Bat Ornament

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Gothic Lace Bat Ornament
Here’s some gothic lace for ya gothic face! To display in ya gothic place! Or ya gothic space. Just look at how awesome this thing is. This Gothic Lace Bat Ornament is sexy and lacey. It looks like the wings move too. Kind of like lingerie for your home. MMMM MMM girl. You know just what I like to come home to. I don’t even want you to take it off. This blood-red lace ornament is going to look good in your castle. Personally, I’d like to see this as a bra and panty set. Can somebody make that happen? So sexy. Get’s my blood pumping. Wait, that’s just the red bull causing a minor cardiac infartion. Haha. I said in-fart-ion. Help me!

I’m dreaming that I come home to a beautiful redhead wearing this… It’s for the home, that’s right. Just for decoration. I have to focus. This Gothic Lace Bat Ornament is just so sexy I can’t help it. I have a real problem. I feel the same way about these bat wing sunglasses.