Author: Artemis Winterford

Crystal Skull With A Spider Inside

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spider skull
Looky looky, everybody stop your nooky. This crystal skull has a spider lodged in it’s cranium. I mean lodged, as in it has taken up residence, like a real roger-dodger-lodger. This insect is a drainium on the Cranium. He’ll make ya feel dull in the skull, see.

Wait, what? It’s not “talk like an old timey radio guy” day? I always get that wrong. That’s after “talk like a pirate” day and before “walk like a busy hooker after a long night” day. I just can’t keep up.

Anywho, this crystal skull has a spider stuck inside. Haha. You can’t get me, spider. Suck it! *The sound of glass shattering.* Oh poopy!
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The Coffin Mirror

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Coffin Mirror
Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the deadest one of all? Wait. Maybe I don’t want to know. Yeah. Just forget that I asked. Anyway, whose idea was it to decorate this place like a funeral home? I mean, I know it’s dead around here, but geesh.

This Coffin Mirror really puts your mortality in your face. I heard that if you approach the coffin mirror and begin coughing, that probably means your time is just about up. You smash this thing, you’re not getting seven years bad luck, but an undertaker will start following you around. No thanks. I’ll stick with the mirror I have. Which is a good looking dude named Steve, who I met on Craigslist, and pay to stand on the other side of the wall.

The Squatty Potty

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squatty potty
By now you’ve probably heard about the Squatty Potty. I’m a few days behind. You might say I got backed up. Heh! That’s a little poop joke to keep things flowing. The Squatty Potty is a stool that helps you get the poop out. Especially if you are a constipated unicorn. Essentially a stool that helps create another stool.

What’s next? A Squatty Bicycle? I can’t wait. Bicycling just relaxes me. Just ask any road cleaning crew. If I can peddle while on the toilet, I’m gonna win the Tour de France with no underpants.

Mr. T say “Don’t be a fool. Use a stool!”
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Classic Monster Cereals With Modern Horror Movie Characters

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Classic Monster Cereals With Modern Horror Movie Characters
Check out these Monster cereals with horror movie characters on the box. Minnesota-based artist Kate Willaert created these for HalloweenCostumes.com. They make for a not so balanced breakfast. The characters include: Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Krampus and more. Sometimes I hate the internet. I saw these and spent half a day trying to find them in like 10 stores, then I came home and read the wordstuff where I found them. Yeah. Not real. If only there were some way to take the internet with me when I’m out. That would save me a lot of time. Then there might be a reason for all of those people to stare at their phone while shopping. Idiots.
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Snakeskin Cuff With Snake Head

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Snakeskin Cuffs With Snake Head
This Snakeskin Cuff With Snake Head is perfect if your name is Snake Plisskin or if you are a Cobra Commander. Just leave the head on. Why not? You wear one and I’ll wear one. We can let them slither around our wrists and them slam our wrists together and make them fight until the local ER room has to mend our broken bones.

How’d ya break your wrists?

Uh… We just really suck at high fives. No illegal wrist-snake fights going on here.

Our snake cuffs would be undamaged cuz snakeskin cuffs are snakeskin tough!