Tag: health

The Squatty Potty

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squatty potty
By now you’ve probably heard about the Squatty Potty. I’m a few days behind. You might say I got backed up. Heh! That’s a little poop joke to keep things flowing. The Squatty Potty is a stool that helps you get the poop out. Especially if you are a constipated unicorn. Essentially a stool that helps create another stool.

What’s next? A Squatty Bicycle? I can’t wait. Bicycling just relaxes me. Just ask any road cleaning crew. If I can peddle while on the toilet, I’m gonna win the Tour de France with no underpants.

Mr. T say “Don’t be a fool. Use a stool!”
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Exercise Flash Cards

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exercise flash cards
Who needs a personal trainer when you have these Exercise Flash Cards? I had to fire mine because he kept hassling me. *Are you ready yet?* Nah, I need to study these flash cards some more. *What about now?* No, I’m still not as up to date as I would like to be on my Plank Leg Lifts and such. Lifts a cheeto to my mouth as I study the cards.

You sir are fired. I just realized that I don’t look anything like that guy on the cards. I think I got the wrong flashcards. Are there any that show fatsos, preferably with exercises that I can do one handed while my other hand feeds my pie-hole non-stop? No? Yeah, these aren’t gonna work. I need a workout tailored specifically to my lifestyle.

Drink Up: Create Your Own Potion Bottles

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potionEtsy seller CuriousCircus will let you create your own unique potion bottles. You know, so you can hack a golem to pieces or have enough mana to summon a wicked cool Priestess barely wearing any clothing and carrying a Staff of Eternal Doritos Wand.

I down like 5 stamina potions a day. At least I did, until I found out Mountain Dew is +10 diabetes. Not stamina. They really should change the color. If it’s green it should either be Kryptonite or stamina potion. And pro tip: Mountain Dew red isn’t health potion. Gives you the runs.
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Squeezably Soft: Colin the Colon Plush Toy

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plush colonNow is your chance to buy your very own plush colon. Just like your real colon, this guy is lovable and squeezable. The only difference is this one is clean, won’t pinch off a loaf and it has googly eyes. Usually, it’s me who gets googly eyes, from straining too hard.

TMI? Deal with it. I name my pooping sessions after the books I finish with each sitting. I just took a huge War and Peace. Lately I’m a big George R.R. Martin fan too. The other day I took a Storm of Swords and later that night, I took a Feast of Crows sized dukie that almost set off the fire alarm. I’m calling this whole week A Song of Grunting and Fire.

This cuddly colon is only $30 from Etsy seller organbank, who makes lots of other plush organs too.