Tag: amazon.com

Tovolo Zombies Popsicle Molds

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Tovolo Zombies Popsicle Molds
Make the walking dead the freezing dead with these Tovolo Zombies Popsicle Molds. Look, zombies want to eat you, so I say we eat them first. Stick a zombie in your mouth and suck! Heh. That’s my new insult. If someone says something I don’t like, I’m yelling, “Stick a zombie in your mouth and suck!” I’m hoping it really takes off and becomes something New Yorkers yell at each other every day.

Seriously though, these Popsicle molds are awesome. I’m gonna go make some delicious zombie treats now. Don’t let the door hit you… You shut up! You shut it right now! Stick a zombie in your mouth and suck!

Octopus Treasure Chest Trinket Box

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Octopus Treasure Chest Trinket Box
Why do Octopi always wrap themselves around treasure boxes? It’s like they can’t resist them. I have no idea, but I know what I’m gonna do the next time I need to distract an octopus. I’m gonna dress a treasure chest up in a bikini and whistle, then throw my voice and say, “Hey big boy.” Then I can get the real treasure chest. Guess I showed you Octo-loser! You can raise all of your tentacles into fists all you want, but I’m rich! I’m rich! And you’re just a bit- Stop hugging my face with your tentacles! Where are you dragging me? I guess I didn’t really think this through. Shoulda just bought an Octopus Treasure Chest Trinket Box.

Plague Doctor Socks

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Plague Doctor Socks
The Plague Doctor is in, but he doesn’t know if you have the plague or if he has the plague, or what’s plaguing all these patients. It’s a real case of plague-urism. All he knows is that he looks awesome in his mask and he keeps making bird sounds cuz it’s fun. And cuz the owls are what what they seem. Aren’t these guys the best? Now you can enjoy them on your socks thanks to these cool Plague Doctor Socks. And let’s face it, your socks smell nasty anyway, like your feet are seriously infected anyway. Damn! Would it kill ya to at least wash your feet once in a while? That’s how the plague starts ya know. That’s why the Dutch wear those wooden shoes.

Skull and Skeleton Toilet Bowl Brush Set

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Skull and Skeleton Toilet Bowl Brush Set
Oh man. Your bathroom is about to get badass peeps. This Skull and Skeleton Toilet Bowl Brush Set is going to look great in your Gothic themed bathroom. What? Don’t we all have Gothic themed bathrooms? Well, I just did mine up real nice with a bat toilet paper holder, stained glass window, some anti-vampire crucifixes and… Wait. You guys didn’t decorate your rooms? Guys, we were all supposed to do it. I’m the only one? Great. We pinky promised and everything. And I didn’t even want to pinky promise cuz it’s not manly, but I did anyway. This really sucks guys!

I just spent like 2 grand on all this! The gargoyle decorations alone cost me $200. Whatevs. I have a sweet Gothic human guano room and you don’t. I like to call it my steam room. As in Cleveland steamer. Oh! Zing! Didn’t see that coming did ya? Hmmmm. I really need to install some ventilation in here.

Mirrored Skeleton Candle Holder

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Mirrored Skeleton Candle Holder
There’s nothing better than seeing your own reflection framed by a pair of skeletons just hanging around as if they’re admiring your beauty. And why wouldn’t they? That is one beautiful man-face if I do say so myself. I just realized that this Mirrored Skeleton Candle Holder would have the candle obscuring my face, but that’s okay, I’m secure enough in my good looks that no one can hold a candle to me. I don’t mean to wax on about it. Let me just light that candle and have one more look. Gotta lean in close and get a good gander. AHHHHH. IT BURNS! IT BURNS! And now you have heard the story of how I came to have a profession where I don’t need to show my face. Cuz now I have a face that’s only good for blogging and radio. Let this be a cautionary tale about unrestrained vanity and a man who peered too close to the sun for one last glimpse of perfection. JK I look effin beautiful. I make my livin’ off this face. I let blind people feel it so they can orgasm. True story.