Tag: crustacean

Giant Red King Crab Chair

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Giant Red King Crab Chair
I think I got crabs from your chair?

Are you sure? *Looks at my Giant Red King Crab Chair.* Nah. I keep a clean place.

I haven’t been with any other chairs for weeks.

Hmmm. Sorry baby, you’re barking up the wrong crustacean. Now c’mere and let me pinch ya.

This chair is perfect for me, cuz I feel crabby everyday. I’m also the king of my castle. The crab king. Not sayin’ I have crabs. I’m just the king of said crabs. Seriously, I have a scepter, a crown and everything. I also have a bunch of crab medicine. But that’s just in case. You never know when they might overthrow me.
Read more “Giant Red King Crab Chair”

Giant Lobster Claws

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

lobster claws
Everyone should have a pair of giant lobster claws. They make everyday things into awesome things. Think of the fun that you could have doing things like: Hitchhiking, gesturing with your claws as you give directions, trying to saw through rope with your pincers, opening beer bottles and more.

You are gonna be a crazy crustacean. A prized pincer. Also, your handshake will now be powerful and dangerous for other humans. Life just got a little more awesome. Your new name is Zoidberg!

Giant Lobster Claw Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

giant lobster claw lampDamn. That’s one giant lobster claw. It’s perfect for that Spongebob Squarepants themed room you have been decorating. It can go right next to your crabby patty snack tray. Fun fact: I tried square pants for about a year, but my sharp butt corners kept tearing my couch to pieces. That is such BS that that guy can sit on any furniture.

Anyway, this giant lobster claw lamp will look great in any nautical themed room. It even has a spool of rope around the bottom like some now-dead sailor tried to catch it. Nope, Didn’t work. All you gave him was a lobster bracelet while his other claw snapped you clean in half.

No way I’m getting this lamp. With my faulty electrical system, this thing would reanimate every time I got a power surge. Playing “Turn the lamp on and see if you still have fingers after” is not a fun game. I already play a similar game every time I add another plug to that one mass of plugs I call my “one outlet to rule them all”. If it sparks that’s how you know it’s working. At least that leaves my fingers intact as it’s frying my body.
Read more “Giant Lobster Claw Lamp”