Here’s a good reason to never live in Australia. A couple in Australia had an unexpected guest at their home: a massive Huntsman spider. Presumably called that because they hunt men. This thing was the size of a dinner plate and appeared on a glass patio door. So basically you need a fly swatter the size of a car tire to kill it. And if you miss it will just hug your face and impregnate you.
They never did kill it so it is probably in the couple’s garden still, waiting to strangle their cat. Hell no! Never going to Australia.
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Tag: huge
Large Kraken Octopus Plush
Unleash the Kraken. And set him over there on the couch. Dude looks cool. This Large Kraken Octopus Plush is large and in charge. *Puts nerd glasses on.* Technically it’s an Octo-Plush not an Octopus. Etsy seller WowWowGifty has several different styles of huge Kraken available and if you want something different tell them to get Kraken on it right away.
Just set this guy on a barstool or on your couch and wrap his arms around you whenever you feel cold. He’s basically a blanket. Or a scarf for eight people. Or an eight person strangling machine. It’s all about perspective, isn’t it? Check this out: Spin him around on a barstool and you have a tentacled face-slapping machine. So versatile! So stingy and slimy when those suckers hit ya.
Giant Spider Statement Ring
Oh look. A Giant Spider Statement Ring. I think I can guess what the statement is: Get it the hell off me! Yep, that’s the statement alright. Seeing a spider ring this big really shows you what massive butts they have. That’s because they have to store all kinds of stuff in the badonkadonk. They have to store all of that spider silk, their poop, their pee, their kids… I’m pretty sure that is scientifically valid, cuz I read it once on the web. The web knows about spiders. Duh!
That’s pretty nasty to be carrying all that around in one sack. That’s like you having a huge triple-duty booty and carrying like 3 blankets, all your poop, all your pee and letting your nasty kids bounce around in all that, while you go about your bidness shopping at Walmart.
Spiders is nasty.
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Gigantic Monster Turtleneck
Gigantic Monster Turtleneck. For when you absolutely, positively, have to look like a giant mitten. I would wear this thing all day. Gonna buy two so I can relax and Netflix and Chill with myself all week long, and occasionally change my shell like a hermit crab. I’ve already been accused of looking like a giant slug while I lay about in my undies. Might as well go full pupa and be the giant man-insect-larvae I was born to be.
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Santa The Hutt Shows Up At A San Francisco Fashion Store
I’m only posting this because I’ve gotten like 10 emails asking if I quit the blog to be a full time Jolly Fat Guy. The answer is no. It’s not me. This guy here is morbidly obese, I just strive for being mediocre obese. At best. So everybody just calm down. Enough Santa mail people. I don’t care if you’ve been naughty or nice. I ain’t coming to town! I’ll go to town on a bag of Doritos though…
Santa The Hutt here is located at the flagship store of Betabrand, a crowdfunding platform for designer clothes. Does he make you want to buy clothes? It looks like he can’t even fit in his own. Do you have any idea how long it is going to take a man of this girth to deliver gifts on Christmas Eve? Let’s just say he’s stopping the sleigh at every border for a puke and some gasping wheezing.
If I can make one suggestion to this overflowing Santa, it would be to shave that runway under his belly button. That’s just wrong.
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