Tag: custom

Custom Monster Rug: Wipe Your Feet, Then Count Your Toes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monster rugThis custom monster rug is going to look sweet in my D and D themed nerd castle. I’m gonna tell people I killed it myself, with a buffed-up Dwarven bow and an invisibility ring. Phaw. Wasn’t even wearing the ring. Etsy seller DarkKnitsEtsy will make it custom, however you like. Then all you have to do is act like you were tough enough to bring the best down and impress your friends.

It already has a strip going down the back that makes it look like it was run over with a moped. Which in fact is a far more likely method of me killing a fierce beast.
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Uskulls Are Full Of Junk, Just Like Your Real Skull

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

uskullUskulls are clear skulls like that one in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull movie that sucked, but they have your stuff inside.

Hoarder: I wish I could store as much crap in my head as I do in my rat-infested home.

Uskull rep: Now you can. Introducing Uskull. It’s you. In a skull. Have crap? We will put it in a clear skull, so that you can display said crap among your other knick knacks. It will compliment your piles of moth-eaten newspaper and also goes well with rat turds and cat corpses. Only $375.
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Dinosaurs Wearing Makeup And Jewelry

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

dino princessEtsy seller FrivolousForest offers all kinds of sweet painted ladies. Of the extinct variety. She makes dinosaurs sexy and Princess-like by putting all kinds of makeup and jewelry on them. Damn girl, you looking good. I’m gonna come down on you like an extinction level event.

These ladies are keeping it all classic in the Jurassic. Click through for more.
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Sawed-Off Shotgun BBQ Grill

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sawed off shotgun grillThis sawed-off shotgun grill is loaded full of buckshot. And by buckshot, I mean steaks, hamburgers and pork products shaped like weenies. Pig weenies if you will. I just like saying weenies. This $9,550.00 grill is perfect for my next backyard party.

Since it smokes out of the barrels, I’m just gonna push the barrels over the neighbors side of the fence. I’ll be grillin’ on my side, they’ll be- Oh sh*t, I pushed both barrels through their living room window. I’m not gonna sweat it though. They won’t be home for another two weeks. When they get home they will deduce that they obviously left their oven on, hence all the smoke. The heat broke their window too. Damn. Y’all better get cleaning. Yeah, that’s why I grill outside in my double barrel. Laterz.
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Tour de Lawn: Custom Built Lawn Mower Bike

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

custom lawn mower bikeThis $375 custom built lawn mowing bike has one of those old-style bladed push mowers attached in front, so you can zip around the neighborhood mowing lawns in a crazy short time. You’ll be making bank son! Rolling in them Benjamins. Choppin’ the grass and gettin’ dat ass. Rollin’ in the cheddar! Big pimpin son.

Until your legs flare up like 2 sausages and your butt cheeks are 2 big calluses. It was fun while it lasted, but you are in so much pain, you don’t even mind when some dude riding a John Deere does a drive-by and knocks you off of your smooth pimp ride. Now there is a new king in town. Lawn wars be crazy like that.
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