Tag: finger

Severed Finger Candles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Severed Finger Candles
These Severed Finger Candles will be perfect for any birthday cake that you want to give the finger to. Give it several fingers cuz you don’t give a f**k. I stared at this image of candles for like an hour already cuz someone flipped me off today behind a fence and I was trying to pick it out of a lineup. There! I finger that one.

If you will excuse me, I have to go now. I have a date with some finger food just as soon as I buy it with my five finger discount. Hopefully they won’t finger me in a police lineup. That sounded dirty. I apologize. Police only do that in dirty movies. Anyway, I give these candles 2 middle fingers up. It’s the highest honor I can bestow on them.

Cast Bronze Finger Wine Stoppers

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Cast Bronze Finger Wine Stoppers
I’ll have two fingers of whiskey bartender! This is wine, we don’t measure it in fingers. We do now thanks to these Cast Bronze Finger Wine Stoppers. Hey! What’d ya give me the finger for? I wonder if I can get a five-finger discount on these. Ha! I crack myself up.

I bet you never fingered me for a comedian. Ewwwwww. The beginning of that sentence didn’t sound right. I’m hoping you wouldn’t do that for anyone, let alone a comedian. And why would he want that? Is it part of his act? Now I made it awkward didn’t I? I’m sorry. Love you guys. Do you love me back? Gah. Made it awkward again.

Human Finger Balls

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

human finger balls
These creepy human finger balls are what happens when genetic engineers make toys. You’ll poke your eye out kid. These are perfect for when you want to give a gift that gives your kid the finger. Give him all the fingers while you’re at it.

The package says, “Throw them! Stretch them! Catch them!” Note that it doesn’t say, “You and a friend can pick both nostrils at once!” or “Mom likes them best!” It’s a toy! It’s a mutation! It’s just crazy enough that it might work. What the hell is wrong with this toy company?