Tag: h.p. lovecraft
The Elderizer Electric Air Freshener
Let an Elder Thing keep your area smelling fresh and fragrant. I know, that sounded bad. I didn’t mean “your area”. I mean the room that you are in. Silly guttersnipes. This The Elderizer Electric Air Freshener is the way to go. It brings the horror and the fresh scents. That’s a combo you don’t see every day.
It is based on an Elder Thing, as described in the Necronomicon of Abdul Alhazred, as well as the famed correspondence to Miskatonic University from the Mountains of Madness. If it drives you insane at least your home will smell nice.
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Cthulhu Mask
This Cthulhu Mask is perfect for those weird Illuminati parties that the elite like to throw, cuz it compliments stuff like goat heads and boobies. I’m totally buying this and filming a remake of Eyes Wide Shut. Only I’m going to call it Tentacles Wide Shut. It will be about a young Cthulhu who gets mixed up in this strange Illuminati world and finds out that there is a whole other reality happening all around him and that he is in fact, really Tom Cruise, the ancient smiling evil that will end us all.
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The Notebook Of Cthulhu
You know what I would do with The Notebook Of Cthulhu? I would read every entry and find out who his crush is, find out what he really thought about the last season of Gossip Girl, say “I know, right!” out loud a few times, and munch on some popcorn, saying “Oh no he dit-int!” when he talks smack about the Kardashian clan. Then I would gently close it and wait for the next volume to be written. And hope that he never ever knows I read his diary.
By the way, did you read about how he was all tentacle to tentacle with that Kraken? I know, right! And don’t tell him I said so, but he was like, super crushed when Veronica wouldn’t go out with him. Crazy!
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Cthulhu Cultist Medallions
Sweet! These Cthulhu Cultist Medallions mean that I can be a part of the ultra secret society. Or USS as we like to call it. It used to be “Pretty Ultra Secret Society” because it wasn’t completely secret, but we changed it for obvious reasons. PUSS just doesn’t sound cool for an awesome cult.
I’m gonna wear my medallion, chant with my fellow Cthulhu peeps, all in robes, around some ancient idol, while giving secret handshakes and passwords… It’s gonna be so sweet when Cthulhu is summoned from an ancient portal and burns my face off with acid.