Tag: prison

Vintage Orange Prison Coveralls

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Vintage Orange Prison Coveralls
Get yourself a pair of Vintage Orange Prison Coveralls and just walk around the neighborhood. Then let me know what happens. If you are still a free man after 5 minutes, I’ll buy you a drink. One of those girly ones with the umbrellas. If you aren’t, then I’ll smuggle you something inside a birthday cake. That something is diabetes.

Don’t wear a pink mask with it while holding a knife. And get yourself some shoes! Orange is the new black y’all! No it’s not, but orange you glad to see me?
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Thug Life: I Just Did 9 Months On The Inside Onesie

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thug life baby onesie
Ha! This I Just Did 9 Months On The Inside Onesie makes your baby look like a prison inmate. 9 months in your mom? Pffft! I did 10 in your mom and SHE walked away with time served! Years? No, inches! Damn son, burn! Drops the mic! Walks away!

This onesie says your kid is never too young for the thug life. Those crazy people who have like 10 kids should get these for the whole gang, since they’ll likely grow up to be hooligans anyway. Hooligans. Heh. That’s an old timey word. You caught me. I’m really HG Wells and my time machine got stuck here. Sorry about any typos. I can’t see bully without my monocle.

Your Daddy’s In Jail Stick Figure Family Decal

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dad in jail stick figure family
Use this Your Daddy’s In Jail Stick Figure Family Decal to tell everyone that daddy went away for awhile. Now you have to visit him behind glass. And mommy cries a lot. Obviously, before he left, daddy made a LOT of kids. Damn. 5 kids? Dude probably doesn’t wanna get out. 3 square meals, no nagging and no little wallet-thumpers to worry about? He’s probably getting into like 10 fights a week just to make sure he keeps that room and board secure.

I shouldn’t joke. This is just sad. Daddy’s in jail. This decal is a good sign that the woman driving is available and in need though.

Stainless Steel Jail Cell Toilet & Sink Removed From Police Station

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prison toilet
Cool. Now I can have an authentic Jail cell toilet and sink. I hope they cleaned out all of the convict pee pee and poopy. This is the perfect toilet for me, because every time I poop, it feels like my colon is serving 30 to life. It’s made of stainless steel, but you and I both know that once you get home from Taco Bell, there’s gonna be a stain of epic proportions. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time! Ha ha ha.

And as far as wee wee goes, you have to drain your dragon in a toilet made for the penal system. Get it? Penal system? Well, I’m off to trade some smokes for my continued virginity.
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Convict Conditioning Workout Book

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convict conditioning workout book
You gotta keep strong in the joint, but enough about the family jewels! God, I crack me up. No, seriously, you have to be big and bag or else you are going to get a shiv in the kidney from that big guy who trades Wrigley’s Spearmint gum for secret meetings in the bathroom. Which only leads to needing more breath freshening gum. It’s a viscious circle of prison life.

If you don’t have smokes to trade for your safety, you have to be tough. You gotta have Convict Conditioning. And I ain’t talking shampoo with moisturizer in it.

Use this book to get a rock hard body and be buff and tough and gruff. Remember, the bigger the muscle, the smaller the shiv. Know what I’m sayin’? It’s all about using limited equipment to get the maximum workout, even in Maximum Security.