Tag: scary

Creepy Valentines Day Cards – Coffin Cards

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Creepy Valentines Day Cards - Coffin Cards
These Valentines Day cards are coffin cards and are a great way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. The seller makes all kinds of gothic and creepy cards for all occasions. They all look amazing. This one says I’m Batty For You. That’s why this one is going out to all of our readers because it’s true. I’m also bratty for you. And fatty for you, since I ate the candy I was going to give you. Just open this chilling card, write your message inside and send it off to your Valentine. Your batty valentine. Preferably valentines day cards should be sent by bat. If you don’t have a bat, the mailman will have to do. Maybe glue some bat wings to his uniform when he turns to go.

People don’t send enough cards these days. Darn kids. All they want to do is smash on their tic tocs with some guy name Liga Johnson. I just don’t get it. What I do get is that these are some cool greeting cards. Or are they bleeting cards? Bats bleet right? That’s a word right? That’s a thing. I think. Well, it’s a thing now. Send one to someone you love today.

Alien Beer – It Will Abduct Your Senses, Probe Your Holes

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Alien Beer
If you ever wondered what those grey abducting space bastardos drink just before they swerve to a stop and activate their tractor beam, here it is: Alien Beer. Well, it’s non-alcoholic to us, but these little butt-probing weirdos get drunk on the stuff. Which explains that one encounter I had where it kept telling me how pretty I was. A 4-pack will cost you almost $400. I call that Alien inflation, which is also what I call it when I pump up that cute little alien doll I have hidden in the- Nevermind.

Real Old Medical Slides

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Real Old Medical Slides
These old medical slides are creepy. Which is why I’m thinking about hanging them up in the old castle here. They’re from a West Virginia VA Hospital and feature educational diagrams. You know, so you can learn how to do all kinds of medical stuff. Not like open-heart surgery or anything, but I could learn to be a real doctor, with real malpractice suits and everything. Awesome.

Hardcover Lycanthropy Book – Werewolf Lore

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Hardcover Lycanthropy Book - Werewolf Lore
A Concise Treatise on Lycanthropy. That’s too many big words for me already. But if I did have a higher than 3rd-grade reading level, I would totally love this Hardcover Lycanthropy Book. Cuz it’s about werewolves. Duh! They say it’s an exclusive reprint of the original work by Count Andreas Shibilis, lost King of the Gypsies. Well, la-de-da!

I had no idea the gypsies even had a king. That must be the guy in the biggest caravan. How does he know so much about werewolves? Cuz he is one! Only a wolfman could have so much knowledge about Lycanthropy that he writes a hardcover lycanthropy book. What, does he think we’re stupid? String him up, boys! Don’t let him live till the next full moon! What do you man it’s tonight?

Get that hairy gypsy wolfman! Gather up all your silver to meltdown for bullets. Why do you people only have silver-plated stuff? This is gonna take forever. Ow. Something bit me. Was it the wolf? Or that weird gypsy kid who likes to bite ankles. We’re all gonna die! *falls down crying*.

Human Lower Jaw Phone Holder for Your iBone

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Human Lower Jaw Phone Holder
Check out this Human Lower Jaw Phone Holder. You won’t get any jibber-jabber from it. You need both sections of the jaw for that. But it’s going to look awesome holding your smartphone. This smartphone holder comes in several colors, and all look badass. Perfect for your Apple iBone. So quit flapping your jaw and buy one so you can have a jaw bone on your desk. Isn’t that what we all aspire to? Yes. Yes it is. That and taking a bath with Alien Cat bath bombs. I’m living the life.