Do I need Vampire And Werewolf Repelling Soaps? Nah. I don’t need to repel vampires or werewolves with soap. I’m more like a werewolf who is repelled by soap itself. Whhhhhew! Things are getting rank around here. Anyway, these soaps are what you need to keep bloodsuckers and hairy beasts away. Each 3oz bar of anti-werewolf soap contains colloidal silver, holy water and rosemary. The vampire one has garlic and holy water in it. Just like garlic bread made fresh from the vatican!
via Geekologie
You know the best part about this Vampire in Coffin Table Lamp? It showed me how to beat vampires. Just put a lamp over their coffin. That way they can’t get out. Cuz of the light.
That’s not sunlight dumbass.
*Mocks you* “That’s not sunlight.” Idiot. Where do you think light bulbs come from? They capture sunlight and put it in a bulb. Duh. That’s how light works. Here’s another fun fact: Even water from the Pope’s toilet is holy water and will kill most vampires. But that may just be cuz of germs.
This Vampire Teeth Ring has got bite! You know that Dracula wears one like this right? But I ain’t tellin’ ya where he wears it. Know what I’m sayin’? What I’m sayin’ is he wears it as a Vampire C**k Ring, or VCR for short. Why ya gotta make me spell it out for ya? Damn. Never ask to see a Vampires VCR, cuz that ain’t a Samsung or Panasonic! What do you mean, how do I know? I just do. I’ve said too much. The point is, you should wear it out in the open so everybody knows. Just sayin’. I’m getting two of these bad boys so I can have a full Vampire jaw on my finger.
This is the New Hampshire vampire that allegedly assaulted a grocery store employee a few days ago. As you can see, the police must have filed down his fangs before the picture. Police violence man! #VampTeethMatter So basically a female employee was taking boxes out to the dumpster when the vampire approached her asking if she needed help. No word on if he had a Transylvania accent or if he just sounded as wasted as he looks. Then he broke every rule of being a vampire and hunting for your prey: He told her he was a vampire and began running towards her. Did he hiss and raise a cape to his face? We have no idea, thanks to shoddy journalism.
So the woman ran inside the store yelling for help as the vampire yelled, “just touch me, I can save you.” Then he wrapped his arms around her and she fell to the ground. That’s how you know this story is true. He used his powers to apparently put her to sleep. Then he attacked another employee who tried to fight him off and the dude probably lifted a cross and prayed for Jesus to deliver him from the clutches of this fearsome meth-pire.
When they arrested the vampire, he tried to glamor their asses, telling the officer that he was a “vampire, ghost rider, Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid, and a leader of a band.” Assuming that his true identity as Captain Meth from planet WhereTheFugAmI was now safely protected, he went off to jail, where he presumably sits in the corner mumbling and building a nest out of toilet paper, as he slowly wets a piece in his mouth and builds. Wet and build. Wet and build.
Damn. This Vampire Skull Mask is what vampires look like under their pale skin and beady little eyes? Dude must have been in bat form when he died. Sucks. Was probably drunk and flew right into a tree. Happens. Fun fact: My vampire name is Bela Lu-Gassy. For obvious reasons. Of course in high school they called me Vlad The Inhaler for completely different reasons. This is the perfect mask to wear to one of the Eyes Wide Shut Illuminati parties. Not that I ever get invited.