Author: Artemis Winterford

These Skull Microphones Are Awesome

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These Skull Microphones Are Awesome
Testing. Testing. 1. 2. 3. What the- Just realized my lips were next to one of these Skull Microphones. Sorry if I accidentally kissed ya. Just tryin’ to do a podcast here. I’m lying. I have no idea how to do one. My skill set is limited to acting like a jackass and accidentally entertaining you guys on a regular basis. Thanks for the gig.

These are skull microphones. They are awesome. Possible band names: Skull-Lee-O-Sis, The Brainiacs, Noggin McFloggin, The Chrome Domes… That’s all I got. I’m blinded by their shiny Terminator-like brilliance.

Custom Skull Sneakers

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Custom Skull Sneakers
Check out these Custom Skull Sneakers. Kicks that are sick! They have 3D skulls on them. What is going on over at Nike?

Nike worker: I’ll just put a little LSD in the water.

Nike designer: Oh man, I have so many ideas. Talk me down man, Talk me down. Skulls. It’s all about the skulls. We can use a special gel so the shoes will burn and flame and be on fire all of the time. We’ll call them Ghost Riders. How about a design that drips paint down these sneakers all day long? Kind of like the world before me that makes me want to claw my eyes out. The monkey in my head won’t let me be! Maybe just put the skulls on for now.
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Custom Horror Hand Towels

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Custom Horror Hand Towels
Until I saw these, I thought I was the king of Custom Horror Hand Towels. Of course mine were created by neglect and never washing them. And lots and lots of mold. These are much nicer. They feature embroidered images of Michael Myers, Jason, Freddy Krueger and The Shining. The real horror is germs people. Don’t be like me. Man,I can’t wait to wipe my hands on Freddy’s smug face. I’m so sick of that guy invading my dreams.

Eyeball Hair Chopstick Because Why Not?

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Eyeball Hair Chopstick Because Why Not?
The Eyeball Hair Chopstick takes a chopstick and adds an eyeball. Then just to add some extra grossness, they added some hair. That way, both an eyeball and a clump of hair can fall in your food. Nah. I’m just kidding. It doesn’t have hair, but you are supposed to put it in your hair. Keep it in your hair and when you eat, just take it out, then put it back in after you eat, even if its all nasty from food. As a bonus, the eyeball optic nerves are wrapping around the chopstick. Its all pretty corny….a. Cornea.

Posable Crocodile Doll

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Posable Crocodile Doll
This Posable Crocodile Doll is creepy and awesome. I’m thinking about getting it so I have a buddy that I can do the Crocodile Rock with and we can shed crocodile tears together as we bitch about what a crock it all is. Is it a baby? An adult? I have no idea, but it looks hungry. He needs some Crocks for his feet. That seems appropriate. Anyway, later alligators, after while crocodiles. I can’t look at it anymore.