Author: Artemis Winterford

The Shining Inspired Latex Dress

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The Shining Latex Dress
This shiny and tight latex dress was inspired by those twins from The Shining. You know, from that scene where the kid is all riding his big wheel through the hotel and he suddenly sees the scary twin ghosts just standing there. Then the murder scenes start flashing before his eyes. “Come play with us Danny!” That’s some scary shizz.

I have never been able to ride my big wheel since. Mostly cuz I’m adult and got too fat. And since I don’t have the confidence to approach women when not on my big wheel, well, I’m forever alone. Thanks Stanley Kubrick!

Passover Plague Masks: One Holiday, Ten Plagues

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plague masks
Not to get all History channel here, but this requires some explanation. Basically the Pharaoh refused to let Moses’ people go so God sent a series of plagues upon the Egyptians. Not sure what his excuse was for those STDs he smited me with last year, but whatevs. These Passover Plague Masks represent the ten plagues. Sounds like a ton of fun.

Passover Plague Masks. Your child can choose from boils,wild animals,locusts,lice, firstborn, cattle plague, frogs,darkness, blood and hail. I call Locusts. I already have the boils on my butt and I’m pretty sure I have lice thanks to that thrift store hat I scored for a buck. More like 20 bucks since I had to buy that special shampoo. You live, you learn, you itch.

Gruesome Zombie Cookie Jar With Bloody Brain Lid

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zombie cookie jarOne day, after a plague turns half of us into zombies, we can slice a zombie’s head off and store our cookies inside(Creating those zombie blood Oreos I’ve always wanted), but until that day arrives, we have this Zombie Cookie Jar With Bloody Brain Lid.

Man, this guy really took a beating. It looks like somebody blew his scalp clean off. According to the reviews, he holds a full bag of cookies, just like my stomach. He might be just ugly enough to keep others away from my cookie stash.

Porcelain Doll Head Tea Cups

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doll head tea cup
Make any tea party into an awkward and weird affair with these Porcelain Doll Head Tea Cups from Etsy seller ENDEceramics. *Sips tea with my pinky in the air* I like your tea cups. I especially like how your cup is looking at me and how my cup is looking at you as we sip. Just so I’m clear, am I a prisoner? Have I been poisoned? Just wondering because this scene is creepy as f***. *Feeling woozy* Yeah, I think I’ll pass out now. Don’t do anything too weird to me k? Don’t be like my dentist and tell me it’s normal to wake up with my pants down and wearing a hand puppet.

The seller has these doll head tea cups in white too if using a child shaped head as a drinking vessel appeals to you. Just don’t do anything too weird with them.
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Wax-On Wax-Off Car Cleaning Kit

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wax-on wax-off car cleanerThis Wax-On Wax-Off Car Cleaning Kit should make your car nice and shiny. This car cleaning kit comes with two mitts, some car wax and a karate bandanna. I bought this like a year ago. Turns out I was doing it wrong. Let’s just say that the Wax-On glove is still in pristine condition, while the Wax-Off glove is pretty worn in.

The upside is that my junk is all shiny with a clear protective coating. My Sensei said I had what it took to get to the finals, but the training never seemed to end. “Again!” *Hits me with a bamboo stick* But Sensei, I’m worn out. I can’t do it. “Again!” Fine. Whatever.

That’s what I get for confusing “wandering mystic karate master who is wise because he mumbles” with “homeless guy who mumbles because he is drunk and deranged”. Say where’d you learn karate, master? “Me? I no know karate. I just like to watch you Wax-Off.” Fair enough. I’ll give you a ride to that overpass you like to sleep under. Then we go our separate ways.