Category: Creep Wear

Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos

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Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos
These Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos make it look like your eyes have zippers attached. I’ve never seen a woman who looks like this, but I have seen women desperately try to zip their eyes closed to no avail or hide under their hoodie so they wouldn’t have to date me. It’s a common defense against my nerd mating ritual. Zip that flesh back up girl, your exposed flesh is going to get cold. Mind if I call you Zippy? Ever go zip-lining? Oh BTW XYZ. That means Examine Your Zipper! Also, your fly is down. Your eye-fly. Haha.

I got a million zipper jokes. Minus one. Cuz it ain’t no joke when your Wing-Wang gets caught in in zipper teeth. And that’s why the zippers on my jeans are painted on. That’s not gonna happen to me again. A cat may have nine lives, but my wiener only has one.

I guess I got off track like an old zipper. Which is what I call an elderly guy in a bike race, but that’s beside the point. The point is, these temporary tattoos are cool. Also I find it sexy, cuz I’m strange. *Channels Whitney Houston and sings* Unzip my heartttttt! Say you’ll love me again…

Scary Laser Cut Necklaces

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Scary Laser Cut Necklaces
These Scary Laser Cut Necklaces from CuriologyLtd are so spooky and scary. They will turn your neck into a haunted scene that will turn heads a full 360 degrees like in The Exorcist. But don’t worry, they won’t spit green pea soup at you as they are admiring your necklace. These scenic necklaces are all laser cut. Not phaser cut. Laser cut. Phasers don’t cut well enough, cuz it’s just a phase, but lasers? Lasers will cut you and blind you and kill space aliens. They probably cut these with a friggin’ ray-gun. Pew pew pew! Look what I created!

They have black magic cats, spiders, all kinds of creepy neck wear.
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Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Brass Cuff Bracelet

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Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Brass Cuff Bracelet
Yo, where my Poes at? Girls who like Poe, I mean. You ladies are in for a special treat. I’m gonna cuff ya. Sounds kinky I know. It is. I’m gonna cuff you good baby. And just when you think you can’t take anymore, I’ll ask if you want me to stop. Then you’ll shout Nevermore. Don’t stop! Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about this Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Brass Cuff Bracelet.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary…. That’s some pro pros right there from a pro prose writer. Also, that is one sexy bracelet cuff.
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No Thanks: Spider Backpack

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Spider Backpack
I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a spider on your back. He looks like a spider backpack, but he’s all jacked into your spine and brain, controlling your every action. What do you do? Well, I would hand a good friend a taser and let him zap that stowaway. Hopefully he doesn’t miss and the spider has a seizure before falling to the ground dead. That’s how you deal with that little problem.

Same way I got rid of that tick I had on my side last year, when I grabbed some exposed wire from the wall and slammed it into my side after yelling CLEAR! Blew him to smithereens and burned every hair off my body. I may have looked like a naked mole rat, but I was a naked mole rat without a tick attached. Lifehacks for the win!

Bat Coin Purse

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Bat Coin Purse
The next time you’re hanging out in the cemetery and you need some change, just reach for your hand dandy bat coin purse that is wrapped around your arm. Why you would need change in a cemetery, I have no idea. Maybe they have vending machines there now. Been awhile since I hung out in graveyards. Too boring. It’s always so dead there. Vending machines would really help. That way you could also just leave coins for the dearly departed in case they need a snack. It wouldn’t be the first time a spirit has wandered aimlessly under the pale moonlight looking for a Baby Ruth. No biggie. I do that in my sleep all the time. Sometimes I actually manage to find one. One time I did wake up clutching a turd in a truck stop restroom though. I probably should curb my hunger.

When I get rich I’m so putting vending machines in cemeteries. They’ll leave the change for their loved ones and I’ll sweep it up every night. Put it in a giant pile and dive in it everyday. I’m so awesome. I love me. Gonna buy me something special when I get rich.
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