Tag: zipper

Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos
These Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos make it look like your eyes have zippers attached. I’ve never seen a woman who looks like this, but I have seen women desperately try to zip their eyes closed to no avail or hide under their hoodie so they wouldn’t have to date me. It’s a common defense against my nerd mating ritual. Zip that flesh back up girl, your exposed flesh is going to get cold. Mind if I call you Zippy? Ever go zip-lining? Oh BTW XYZ. That means Examine Your Zipper! Also, your fly is down. Your eye-fly. Haha.

I got a million zipper jokes. Minus one. Cuz it ain’t no joke when your Wing-Wang gets caught in in zipper teeth. And that’s why the zippers on my jeans are painted on. That’s not gonna happen to me again. A cat may have nine lives, but my wiener only has one.

I guess I got off track like an old zipper. Which is what I call an elderly guy in a bike race, but that’s beside the point. The point is, these temporary tattoos are cool. Also I find it sexy, cuz I’m strange. *Channels Whitney Houston and sings* Unzip my heartttttt! Say you’ll love me again…

The Zipper Choker Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zipper choker necklace
Gonna buy this Zipper Choker Necklace for my wife. She’ll get all choked up about it. Or maybe choke me. You never can tell. Everytime she wears it I’m gonna be all like, “XYZ. Examine your zipper.” I might even call her zippy. Depends if she’s in a punching mood or not.

Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah
Zip-A-Dee-A
My oh my, what a wonderful day.

Giant Zipper Bottle Opener

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zipper bottle opener
This Giant Zipper Bottle Opener is huge. Can you imagine the size of the tally whacker behind that pull tab? XYZBO. Examine Your Zipper Bottle Opener! Because it’s down. Near the bottom of your fridge and not pulled up top. We’ve all been there. You’re at a party. You don’t have a bottle opener. So you open your zipper and pop that top on it’s teeth, careful not to damage the family jewels. But what if you’re rocking a button fly?

First off, screw you! Button flies are for losers and slow pee-ers. By the time you get out of the gate, I’m gonna be giving it a shake and then washing my hands. Maybe dribbling onto your shoe if you’re in the urinal next to me. Too bad, you shouldn’t have peeked! Anyway, this Giant Zipper Bottle Opener is the classy way to open bottles. And you won’t risk damage to your wee-wee. You’re welcome.
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Zip Up, Zip Down: The Zipper Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zipper necklace
Be super stylish and fashion forward with this Zipper Necklace, whether you are zipped up or zipped down. Little known fact: I have a zipper phobia, better known by it’s Latin name Penicus-Caughticus-Zipperus. Every time I look at a zipper I scream as if in pain and go down on my knees while clutching my man-junk. Not a pretty sight.

No way I could date a woman with this accessory. Every time I looked at her chest(Which I would do often because I’m a guy) I would be doubled over, holding my pee-pee. I guess it wasn’t meant to be my love. You should have chosen a button-fly necklace. Ado ado. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Owie! It hurts again!