You ever have one of those days where your hand provides a nice atmospheric light, while it burns down to a skeleton? That’s everyday for this Bleeding Hand Candle. I had one of these once, until I high-fived it and burnt the house down. Now I just have a tent in an alley and library wi-fi. Also booze. Lots and lots of booze from a bag.
Tag: candle
Ouija Board Cup and Saucer Candle
Do you want one sugar or two in your tea? Oh forget it, this is a Ouija Board Cup and Saucer Candle. There’s nothing but wax inside. Oh well. As my former karate instructor Mr. Miyagi used to say, “wax on, wax off”. Admittedly, I only ever mastered the second part, which is why only one of my arms is ripped. Anywho, this Ouija Board combo will light up your room nicely AND let you commute with the dead. I mean commune. As in talk to them. Not travel to work them every morning. Although have you seen some of these people? Damn, talk about working stiffs. They are the walking dead.
Beeswax Coffin Candle Set
Mind your own beeswax by displaying this macabre Beeswax Coffin Candle Set in your home or funeral parlor. Macabre. That’s a weird word. Should be said like mac-ab-bree, but people say mac-cobb. Words are weird. That’s okay, we like weird. Imma put a bunch of these on a birthday cake for a really old person and see if I get punched.
Dragon Skull Beeswax Candle
Cool Dragon Skull Beeswax Candle dude! Mind your own beeswax!
If you light it, they will come. Huh? Who’s that? If you light it, they will come. Uhhhhh. That’s the first time the voices ever said that. *Shrugs and lights my awesome dragon candle.* Weird. It’s getting all dark and stormy outside. Sounds like wings flapping. And shrieks. *Watches as a dragon busts through the window pane. Another bursts out of the fireplace. And the front door. Then the Kool-Aid man breaks through the wall shouting, “Oh yeah!”*
Oh f**k! What have I done?
Human Heart Candle – Turn On Your Heart Light
Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Boom-boom. That’s the sound this Human Heart Candle makes. What, yours is all pitter patter? Yeah, but did you have a six pack of Red Bull and a bag of Oreos? That’s what I thought. Uh-oh. Just started going boom boom boom. *Listens with my stethoscope against the heart. Heart puffs up and then contracts. Something smells funny. I look at the patient.* Did you just heart in here?
Have a heart and heart this hearty heart. I bet you don’t drive much Mr.Heart, cuz I can see you lack the blood vessels. Zing! I like you so much I’m gonna give you an award. Here have this plaque. Oh… Looks like you have enough already. Zing! Alright, don’t have a coronary!