Tag: ebay

We’re Going To Need A Bigger Boot: Scary Giant Spider

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

huge spiderGet it off me! Get it off me! Oh, it’s just on the screen. Thank God. I thought I was going to have to jump on the chair and scream like a little girl again. It would suck to have that happen twice at the same coffee shop. However I’m pretty confident that I could walk away with dry pants this time. Holy mother of all spiders! This is a large 36″ x 48″ x 24″ badass spider made from 80% foam, 15% latex, and 5% metal.

What’s with that color and pattern on the butt-sack? Does that mean poisonous or is it just meant to give it’s prey a psych evaluation? I see a butterfly…..Well, I’m not sure what it is. It floats like a butterfly, but stings like a bee. I KNOW. It’s Muhammad Ali. AWESOME GUESS. TELL HIM WHAT HE WON BOB!

YOU WIN…GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE COFFEE SHOP FOR LOSING CONTROL OF YOUR BLADDER AFTER ALL. THAT AND LIVING IN HORROR EVERY TIME YOU SEE AN EIGHT-LEGGED CREATURE!

Life-Like Baby Groot From Guardians of the Galaxy

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baby groot sculptureSomebody paid $20.99 including shipping, for this life-like Baby Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I can’t believe I missed bidding on this! You supply the music and baby Groot will supply the dance moves.

Barstool Racer: Drinking And Driving Optional

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bar stool racerThis sweet barstool racer starts at $99.99. Too bad it will end without a bid. Because you know, it’s tough to sit on a barstool and drink, while driving at the same time. Plus, where ya gonna go besides your own back yard? Where the neighbors will watch your crazy antics. Especially if you install a wood side table, so you can have some peanuts or pretzels. It’s the full bar experience on the move.

I’m going to the bar. *vroom vroom* Dig me out of the neighbor’s bush in like 2 hours. I don’t care how that sounds.

Alien Carjackers Sculpture

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carjackingI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You can’t trust an alien. They will steal your car and go for a joy ride. Like the honey badger, they just don’t care. This sculpture shows them stealing a 1929 Ford Model A in the middle of the New Mexico desert as they make their escape from military personnel.

I hear ya. “But they were just escaping”.

Oh, so they don’t like getting poked and prodded huh? Neither do human rectums! I hope they blasted that car out of existence. Bitter? Yeah I’m bitter. And butt-hurt too. Take my advice. Never let them lure you into a UFO by dangling a Snickers on a stick. I really wanted to believe that levitating candy would be magical and sparkly. It was going to grant me the power of flight. *tears* Boy was I wrong.

Oh look. A Kit-Kat attached to fishing line. Gotta go. I’m off to chase the dream. That better not be you Bigfoot.
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One Of A Kind Black Bear Bench: Does A Bear Sit In The Woods?

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bear benchWhat’s this grizzly sight? Now you can sit on a bench with a bear to the left of you and a bear to the right. That’s some high octane bear power right there. Do I want this bench? Does a bear sit in the woods? Yes. Yes he does. And he sits with me because we are best buds. We’ll be sharing honey pots and passing around the tasty tree grubs. Catching fish with our bear hands. Good times.

That’s how I picture my bear adventure, but you and I both know that in reality this is just a bear butt-urinal, with you in the middle. Why else would bears park themselves on each side. These guys are each taking a massive and when they are done, they will climb out, leaving you in a toxic fog.

No friggin’ way I’m buying this bench.
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