How do fortune tellers tell time? They don’t tell time, they tell fortunes. Which is probably why they use stuff like this Fortune Teller Skull Hourglass to tell the time instead of watches. Hey Fortune Teller. Tell my fortune to get here quick, cuz I’m sick of waiting to get rich. Come to think of it, every time I pay you I lose a bit of my fortune. Good day madame. I said good day. That’s the last time I visit a fortune telling squirrel.
Tag: fortune teller
Serpents Tarot Card Deck
Wanna learn your future? Consult the Serpents Tarot Card Deck. No really. It’ll work. I’m not a snake oil salesman, I swear. Besides, you ever try to wring oil out of a snake? It’s not as easy as it sounds. Especially with the snake trying to bite the whole time. So I usually just grip it tight and put some lipstick on it, maybe a tiny hat. Really demoralize it so it stops struggling. Anyway, deal out some cards and read someones fortune.
Wait. Is this deck so you can give snakes tarot card readings? I’m a lot more confused than I thought I was, which is really saying something.
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The Wooden Tarot Card Deck
*Grabs my new Wooden Tarot Card Deck. Gets ready for my next customer to come in the shop.* Good day sir. Let us consult the cards and divine your future. Wanna cut the deck? I have a full house, how about you? Never mind, give me those back. *Shuffles like a madman* Hmmmm. This card is interesting.
Is it the death card?
Nope, Go fish! JK JK. No, it’s the fool card. Very appropriate since you paid like $200 for this session. Now shhhhhh. I’m concentrating. No. No. It’s gone now. Hmmmm. Did you recently come into some money recently?
Actually yes I-
Can you shut up? I’m trying to give you a reading here? Sheesh.
You will meet a tall and handsome stranger, but that’s just me. Congrats by the way. I hear I’m really awesome to be around. Hmmmm. This is very interesting. I see you in a relationship. I see a woman in a kitchen. This card says that she’s waiting.
That is my wife. She expects me home for dinner in an hour.
What is for dinner? Let me draw the card. Is it steak? Spare Ribs? Sueeee-wheat! I am starving! We’ll continue this over dinner.
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Fortune Teller Gypsy Taxidermy Mouse Diorama
Check out this Fortune Teller Gypsy Taxidermy Mouse Diorama. All of the mice go to her for advice, paying in little cheese cubes. Okay, I admit it, I’m a mouse fortune teller. Easiest gig in the world. They pay me in cheese cubes too cuz I love the stuff. I put on Mickey Mouse ears and they think I’m their oracle. I just say stuff like, “You will be eaten by a large feline” or I say, ” I see a small hard board with a spring attached. You will die a crushing death beneath it’s might.” That kind of stuff. Pretty good work. Pretty satisfying.
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Leather Tarot Card Holders
Etsy seller ContrivedtoCharm has some cool Leather Tarot Card Holders. That way you can keep your deck safe and organized. Reminds me of the only time I ever went to a psychic for a Tarot Card reading:
The death card. What does that mean?
Death! You idiot!
You mean someone in this room is gonna die?
I think we both know who.
Whatevs ya old crackpot! *Throws a tip on the table and heads for the door. Leaves and slams door. Hears a loud BOOOOOMMMMM! Opens door and peeks back in. Sees a pair of feet sticking out from underneath the piano that fell from the second floor.*
Holy Madame Cleo! She was right.
*Tiptoes around the wreckage to retrieve my tip.*
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