Keep your surfaces clean by protecting them with some good old human anatomy. Now you could get some black market kidneys and slap your chardonnay on top, or you could use these cool Wooden Anatomy Coasters. The latter is my vote, cuz black market organs ain’t cheap. They also smell horrible. They also get stolen from the people who are using them, so there’s that too.
Tag: wooden
The Wooden Tarot Card Deck
*Grabs my new Wooden Tarot Card Deck. Gets ready for my next customer to come in the shop.* Good day sir. Let us consult the cards and divine your future. Wanna cut the deck? I have a full house, how about you? Never mind, give me those back. *Shuffles like a madman* Hmmmm. This card is interesting.
Is it the death card?
Nope, Go fish! JK JK. No, it’s the fool card. Very appropriate since you paid like $200 for this session. Now shhhhhh. I’m concentrating. No. No. It’s gone now. Hmmmm. Did you recently come into some money recently?
Actually yes I-
Can you shut up? I’m trying to give you a reading here? Sheesh.
You will meet a tall and handsome stranger, but that’s just me. Congrats by the way. I hear I’m really awesome to be around. Hmmmm. This is very interesting. I see you in a relationship. I see a woman in a kitchen. This card says that she’s waiting.
That is my wife. She expects me home for dinner in an hour.
What is for dinner? Let me draw the card. Is it steak? Spare Ribs? Sueeee-wheat! I am starving! We’ll continue this over dinner.
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Wooden Bat Wings Bow Tie
Sometimes I invite vampires to dress up and attend my fancy balls. My vampire balls are held strictly for fun of course. In fact I have often heard it said that my Vampire balls are “sweaty, but well formed”, because I do tend to have the heat up, but it is all planned out perfectly. Others say that my Vampire balls are “high and tight” and they are, as we are on the penthouse floor, but in a small side room.
But enough about my great big swinging Vampire balls. If you attend, make sure you wear something like this cool Wooden Bat Wings Bow Tie. If I am impressed, perhaps next year I will put you in charge and then you can hold my Vampire balls for me.
Wine-O-Saur Wooden Dinosaur Wine Racks
These Wine-O-Saur Wooden Dinosaur Wine Racks turn your wine bottles into decorative dinosaurs. Wino meet wine-o-saur. Drink up and let the good times roll until your sobriety is good and extinct. I’m more of a Whine-O-Saur. Maybe a Dine-O-Saur.
Hands off that Wine-O-Saur. That wine is… Mine-O-Saur. Gonna drink it with a Min-O-Taur. Until three-0-four. A.M. Then I’m gonna sleep all day because I’ve earned it.
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Wooden Alien Abduction Journal
Need a place to journal your experiences being captured and experimented on by alien creatures? This Wooden Alien Abduction Journal should do the trick.
Dear Diary,
They came again last night. Their soft supple hands lifting me out of bed. I resisted, but not too much. The leader had strong biceps and steely black eyes that peered through my soul. I knew I couldn’t resist. I didn’t tell him I had been waiting for this night ever since the last one, but he knew. I could tell by the way he sized me up. His gentle arms cradled me as the blue beam lifted us off the ground, stirring the edges of my nightgown. I struggled a bit more as we entered the medical bay. Just enough to make him realize I would not be tamed easily. And then the moment came as I was strapped onto the bed. His grey skin glistened with excitement as he grabbed a medical probe. Those onyx eyes challenged me. Would I face it bravely or panic and fight? Which did he want? I challenged back with a determined gaze, bit my lip and nodded for him to do his worst or his best as he saw fit….
Only $40. from Etsy.