Tag: gift

Nosferato Vampire Figurine

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Nosferato Vampire Figurine
Damn son. This Nosferato Vampire Figurine needs to be on my castle shelf now! As the kids say, this thing looks sick. He’s just waking up from a long nap, wiping the cobwebs off his head, shaking that stake out of his chest, and stretching his wings. He’s looking a little gaunt. Get this dude some blood stat! That means right away people. Let’s go! We have a dry vampire here. We need plasma now. Speaking of vampires, check out this Vampire Heart Necklace. Because we all heart vampires. You know you love them. I’ve seen your I heart vampires bumper sticker. It’s cool, I have one too. Give this Nosferato Vampire Figurine a home.

Nosferatu
Goes by Ross Feratu

Sleeping in da day
Partying at night

If you tussle with this mother***ker
You know he gonna bite!

Word!

Bizarre Fingercrab Sculpture

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Bizarre Fingercrab Sculpture
Check out this Bizarre Fingercrab Sculpture. It’s not only giving you the finger but all five of ’em. Except they’re all scaly and gross. What do you expect from fingers that live in a shell. Is this a Hermit Crab? More like a Dermit Crab, cuz it looks like it has a serious case of dermatitis. It’s well-manicured, I’ll give it that. Then I’ll give it a high five and that shell will snatch my hand, and replace it with this scaly nightmare. That’s how it lives forever see.

It could be much worse though. It could be a weird Hermit crab with a peen or five hanging out the shell. *shudders* Hell no. If I saw that, I’d have to smash it with a ball-peen hammer. Cuz that’s the only way to smash a Hermit-Peen horror. Five peen Freddy will become 4 peen Franky real quick. I wonder who does these Fingercrab Sculpture  nails and if I can get their number. If you got a finger fetish, and you probably do if you are lingering here, also check out the very strange and odd Fingerboy Horror Sculpture. I gave them both the finger, cuz I don’t give a f**k!

Creepy Murderous Mushroom Doll – Holy Shiitake!

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Creepy Murderous Mushroom Doll - Holy Shiitake!
We’ve seen some creepy dolls, but Holy Shiitake Batman! That is one crazed killer and creepy Murderous Mushroom Doll. Look at him. Did I just assume his gender? Deal with it. I mean if it has a mushroom head… He loves his mini murder spree and rusty-ass knife. That much is clear. The horror! Still, he looks like a fun-gi. Wanna hear a joke? I thought so. Where do they make prison food? In the Mush-Room. Get it? Ha ha ha ha ha. Don’t shank me bro! Anyway, why do toads need a stool? Take this Mushroom Doll home, and he won’t take up mushroom at all. I promise. Probably more truffle than he’s worth though to be honest.

Keep your eye on this little guy. He’s been trippin on his own juices. If you do buy this little guy make sure you set him up in a shroom with a view. You know. He likes his space is all I’m sayin. All I know is that the mushroom kingdom is not at all what the Mario games promised me it would be. It’s more nightmare than colorful platforming fun with my little cartoon buds. Nope. Not at all. Shudders.

Ouija Board Throw Blanket

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Ouija Board Throw Blanket
This Ouija Board Throw Blanket is cool and all, but every time I lay down and cover myself with it, people rub planchettes all over me. That part feels like a nice massage, until they start talking to spirits and the spirits start coming out from under the blanket and invading the room. Tickles like hell (not so bad in some areas) and now I have all these spirits flying around the room. Then I have to wave the blanket around the room and collect them all again like an effin Pokemon hunter. Get back in the blanket. Man this is tiring. I’m like a bullfighter over here. I just want to go to bed. Remind me to hide all of those planchettes. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t use a Ouija Board Throw Blanket to keep warm. I should probably check my Ouija Board Cutting Board too. I bet the kitchen is trashed. Why? Why do I collect these things? Hey, if I send a spirit board through this blanket and into the other realm, will the universe implode? That might be an interesting experience. If I can’t get them all back into this blanket we are all going to hell! You hear me?

E.L.F.s Balls – Evil Has Never Been So Round

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E.L.F.s Balls - Evil Has Never Been So Round
E.L.F.s Balls. It’s not what it sounds like. Elf balls are usually frozen from the North Pole’s frigid temps and frequently need fondling by reindeer. That’s what I heard anyway on the elf nads subreddit.  E.L.F stands for Evil Little F**kers. And they sure are. Just look at ’em. You can play catch with ’em, roll ’em around on the floor or just admire their ugly evil faces. You know, this may just be what elf testes look like. I have no idea myself. *hides my copy of elven monthly* Only Santa knows for sure. Shame on you Santa. I knew you were a weird dude.

They’re balls, they’re elves, you can throw them, rub them if they swell, toss them around and laugh at the name. They will help your elf esteem for sure. E.L.F.s Balls. Sure to be the latest phenomenon. Don’t be a hater. Instead embrace the elven love, much like Christmas Elf Love. All I’m saying is to give peace a chance. And give these weird-ass balls a chance. Which, coincidentally is what I said when I met my first wife. Long story short, she did. She gave them a chance, then kicked them to the curb.