Jumping Spider Ring

Jumping Spider Ring

Jumping spiders are adorable, but also nasty, because they are still spiders. All creepy, spinning webs out of their butt that you walk into. Hanging from their strings all creepy like above you in bed. Crawling up your arm while you are minding your own business, mowing the lawn. Ick! Despite my fear of these 8-legged beasts, this Jumping Spider Ring is pretty damn cute. Still makes me itch though.

When I first saw this Jumping Spider Ring, I thought they meant a gang of jumping spiders with like switch blades and stuff. Thank God! I can’t deal with spider gangs. I just like stuff like this Spider Hair Clip.

Huge Spider Earring – Thank God For Wax

Huge Spider Earring - Thank God For Wax

Just when I was getting over my fear of giant spiders crawling into my ear. This Huge Spider Earring has me whimpering at night once more as I fill my ear holes with cotton and put on headphones. There I go sleeping through the alarm again. But it beats some 8-legged alien mofo laying eggs in my ear canal. If I see you wearing this, don’t be surprised if I slap it clear off your face. Ain’t no room in my life for any spider this damn big.

First it crawls in your ear. Then you become the spider and won’t even need these spider goggles.

Pillbug Action Figures – I’m Dread-Pilled

Pillbug Action Figures - I'm Dread-Pilled

Oh man, these Pillbug Action Figures are freakin’ cool. I’m red-pilled, or is it black-pilled? I can never keep it straight.  I’m Dread-Pilled. Totally pillbugged the fug out! I can finally play with nasty dirt creatures in my own home, in a way that won’t gross me out. Whose up for a cool pillbug action figures fight? My house. Tomorrow. At noon. I’m ready to mash these crazy ugly bugs together as we make noises. Sadly, my mom will find whatever the cheap version is and buy me that. I wouldn’t be surprised if she glued a bunch of Prozac to some bug legs. It’s happened before ya know.

Look honey, I got you the latest popular action figure. This one is even better because it is a real pill bug. Yeah thanks. Why couldn’t you tell me before I had it all in mouth, like the 5 year old that I am?

It’s a thrill bug baby. Or a chill bug. Depending on what medication she had in her purse when she manufactured it like Mommy Mattel in her crazy kid’s lab, whipping up all kinds of child unfriendly toys. Yeah, mom is a lot weird.

Fly Coasters – Coffee Rings Can Buzz Off

fly coasters
Creepy, crawly, flies swarm all around these fly coasters! Does the thought of bugs creeping and flying around your face make you want to scream? *Rauses my own hand* These gothic fly coasters will definitely send you running! Just keep swatting….these flies won’t die! Hear their buzz, feel their creepy, little feet. Eternal, stone flies buzz around you for eternity from within the soul of this item. You know what I hate. How flies land all over your food when you are just trying to have a nice little picnic. Hey, thanks for laying eggs all over my hot dog, which I will then ingest as I harbor your mutant offspring in my stomach. This is why flies are evil.

They’re a curiosity for Halloween or anytime! Feel the buzz. The flies are coming! Forever filthy, buzzing flies, locked in stone for eternity. Or, are they???? Keep your flyswatter handy! If you happen to love these evil insects, check out these Fly earrings.

I Need These – Spider Goggles

I Need These - Spider Goggles
Oh how the mind boggles when you’re dating a chick with spider goggles.

I’m no Dr. Seuss, but a sexy spider is on the loose.

I almost didn’t notice cuz my eyes were on your caboose.

There, I’m a published author. Told you I’d do it, mom.