Tag: novelty

The Coffin Mirror

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Coffin Mirror
Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the deadest one of all? Wait. Maybe I don’t want to know. Yeah. Just forget that I asked. Anyway, whose idea was it to decorate this place like a funeral home? I mean, I know it’s dead around here, but geesh.

This Coffin Mirror really puts your mortality in your face. I heard that if you approach the coffin mirror and begin coughing, that probably means your time is just about up. You smash this thing, you’re not getting seven years bad luck, but an undertaker will start following you around. No thanks. I’ll stick with the mirror I have. Which is a good looking dude named Steve, who I met on Craigslist, and pay to stand on the other side of the wall.

The Squatty Potty

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squatty potty
By now you’ve probably heard about the Squatty Potty. I’m a few days behind. You might say I got backed up. Heh! That’s a little poop joke to keep things flowing. The Squatty Potty is a stool that helps you get the poop out. Especially if you are a constipated unicorn. Essentially a stool that helps create another stool.

What’s next? A Squatty Bicycle? I can’t wait. Bicycling just relaxes me. Just ask any road cleaning crew. If I can peddle while on the toilet, I’m gonna win the Tour de France with no underpants.

Mr. T say “Don’t be a fool. Use a stool!”
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Snakeskin Cuff With Snake Head

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Snakeskin Cuffs With Snake Head
This Snakeskin Cuff With Snake Head is perfect if your name is Snake Plisskin or if you are a Cobra Commander. Just leave the head on. Why not? You wear one and I’ll wear one. We can let them slither around our wrists and them slam our wrists together and make them fight until the local ER room has to mend our broken bones.

How’d ya break your wrists?

Uh… We just really suck at high fives. No illegal wrist-snake fights going on here.

Our snake cuffs would be undamaged cuz snakeskin cuffs are snakeskin tough!

Barbed Wire Corner Spider Web

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Barbed Wire Corner Spider Web
And I thought the spiders in my house were hardcore! This is a Barbed Wire Corner Spider Web. Probably made by some spider wearing a World War II helmet and carrying a rifle. Probably stacks it’s cocooned meals like sand bags. This is how prison spiders are too. Plus, they’ll shank you.

Nope. I don’t need that in my house. No way. No Mutha Effin curds and whey.

Squirrel In Underpants Air Freshener

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Squirrel In Underpants Air Freshener
Oh nuts. I’ll keep this brief. Ha. Get it? If we have Squirrel In Underpants Air Fresheners, do you think squirrels have human in underpants air fresheners? At least this air freshener will smell better than your average squirrel. There’s that.

The squirrels around my area are more the boxer type. They don’t like briefs. Hey, boxers or briefs, what does it matter as long as you have a place to store your nuts? Am I right guys?